tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13011713597896262292023-11-15T10:11:11.013-08:00Surviving a lossDarlenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09534531590560408041noreply@blogger.comBlogger90125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1301171359789626229.post-39771950216694241312011-07-21T09:32:00.000-07:002011-07-21T09:40:34.878-07:00Not sureTitled this not sure cause I'm not sure what I'm going to say here. I'm feeling lazy, but full of love for my family. I am sad Jerry is not here, but happy I have my Tyler and Emily in my life. Summer has flown by, like it always does and school will start again soon. Finally I will get to be in the same grade as Emily. I have waited five years for this to happen! How can it be possible to have two <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">opposing</span> feelings in your heart at the same time? Wish I knew.Darlenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09534531590560408041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1301171359789626229.post-87015721541755441072011-07-07T10:43:00.000-07:002011-07-07T11:26:29.462-07:00What to say?I'm not sure what I want to say. I am back in therapy, but not sure about the therapist. I loved Carol and I know it's not fair to compare one to the other, but this one is no Carol. She's the one that does most of the talking instead of letting me talk things out the way Carol did. I'm not sure where I should be in the grief process. I don't feel I've moved much from the way I was when Jerry died April 28, 2007. The lonelyness is over whelming. This may come from never have lived on my own. Going from living with my parents to living with Jerry. Coming home to an empty house, eating alone every night is horrid. I know I've said all these things before and that only reenforces the fact that I have not moved forward. I am stuck in this time warp and am hoping Brenda can help me out of it. Dealing with the after effects of the surgery does not help. My OCD kicks in hard when it comes to that. I have to take my meds at exactly the right time or I get a hugh anxiety attack. This happens when I'm out somewhere, for example, when we were on vacation in DC or when I go to Hot Springs. At Brian and Carla's this doesn't happen as often since we are rarely out past the time I take my meds which is around 7 p.m. I actually think I just wait for that time of the day when I can take my meds, especially my sleeping pill. I don't know why, but I love to take my pills and then fall asleep on the couch. Sometimes I sleep there until 1 in the morning and then get up and go to the bed. I wake up around 6 so my day seems long to me. I have no where to go and no one to go with. No one comes here. If I want to see them I go there. My finances are a worry. I make enough to pay my bills, but that's about all. Going on vacation was hard on the finances, but I felt I needed to get away. This is not the life I planned. I never thought I would need to be working at 63 but I here I am. These are all the things I need to talk to Brenda about. Hopefully when I see her again I can and she can give me some insight.Darlenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09534531590560408041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1301171359789626229.post-37197142172457618802011-03-01T18:14:00.000-08:002011-03-01T18:23:53.457-08:00No better - another stay in the hospitalsad is all I want to say today. Maybe it was the three days in the hospital, but I have felt sad since I came home. Sadder than <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">usual</span> that is. It might be because I thought I was doing so well and staying out of the hospital and then it comes and hits you out of nowhere. Carol promised me it would get better. It hasn't. How long does it take to get better and find some peace from Jerry's death. It will be 4 years next month and I am no better.Darlenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09534531590560408041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1301171359789626229.post-46816354641404426162010-11-26T15:15:00.001-08:002010-11-26T15:22:11.751-08:00Am I a little better???I am trying to convince myself I am better than I was on Thanksgiving, but I don't think so. The tears still come so easily and my depression is so deep. This was supposed to get easier, or so they said, not happening. The closer Christmas comes the worse I am getting. I go to the doctor on the 1st and may be he can help. Lord knows I need it.Darlenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09534531590560408041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1301171359789626229.post-53631817656577486412010-11-21T15:12:00.001-08:002010-11-21T15:23:46.587-08:00Don't UnderstandI don't know why, but I am feeling the loss of Jerry more this holiday season than any other except for the year he died. Is it because I am getting older or is this how it will be as time passes. They will get harder instead of easier. I have no desire for Christmas to come. Have no want to wrap presents and get the tree up. I wouldn't mind if Christmas was just another day in the week and passed on by. If it wasn't for Tyler and Emily that is exactly what I would want it to do. The believe is that things get easier with time...that is not happening with me. And what's up with me not wanting to leave the house. It takes me two hours to talk myself into leaving the house. I get up at 5:30 in the morning so I can leave the house by 7:30 for school. Once I'm there all I do is count the time until I can get back to my house. The really strange thing is I love my job, but something is going on with me. I go to the doctor on the 1st. of December. Maybe he can give me some answers.Darlenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09534531590560408041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1301171359789626229.post-47431369923501328462010-10-16T07:51:00.000-07:002010-10-16T08:03:55.459-07:00Tough couple of daysLast Friday I went to the funeral for the viewing of a <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">friend's</span> husband. It was the first time I was back at the funeral home since Jerry died and Bud was in the same room as Jerry and the service was in the same chapel. It <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">was</span> hard being back there again. I was flooded with memories and sad for my friend at the same time. Next to losing a child, losing a spouse is the most difficult thing you will endure. It's been 3 1/2 years since Jerry died and I am still having a hard time with it. If you have lost a spouse don't let anyone tell you that you should be over it by now. You never get over it, you are not going to be the same person you were before your spouse died. If people tell you they want the person you were back tell them you <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">are</span> sorry, but that person died with your spouse. I'm not saying you won't find joy in your life again. I'm just saying it will be different. Take each day as it comes. Some will be better than others. Some days just getting you face washed will be a big step, others will be better. <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-error">Remember</span> there are people around you that love you. Take relieve in that.Darlenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09534531590560408041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1301171359789626229.post-88581763350995878142010-08-11T18:03:00.000-07:002010-08-11T18:18:16.445-07:00Summer vacation is overWell, summer vacation is over - at least for teachers and aides. We started back on the 10<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">th</span>. The kids come back on the 19<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">th</span>. I'm with Kim and Angie again so I am thrilled. Health wise I'm doing okay on my <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">regiment</span> of <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-error">Miralax</span> twice a day and all the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" class="blsp-spelling-error">meds</span> from Dr. Tobey. Tyler and Emily are great - that goes without really needing to be said. Carla's Vince is getting married in September and I will be going to the wedding. Jerry is really on my mind. He should be here going to the wedding with me. I went to Hot Springs and spent several days with Brian and Carla. Helped Carla at one of her estate sales in The Village. <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" class="blsp-spelling-error">Shan</span> is <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_6" class="blsp-spelling-error">sooo</span> busy. Beside working in her room she is helping a girl learn some routines with a baton so she can march with the school band. She's working 12 and 15 hour days. Dave is getting ready for the big move for the co-op to their new building. Brian is working hard, as usual, at his job in the call center.Darlenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09534531590560408041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1301171359789626229.post-35656390755891815132010-07-29T08:50:00.000-07:002010-07-29T09:16:04.636-07:00WOW it has been a whileIt's July 29, 2010. I have more days of being okay than days of not being okay. I am a different person than I was before April 28, 2007. Of course, I am. How can I not be. I was a wife looking to a bright future with Jerry. We were planning special things to do with the family and to do on our own. We were going to be happy and secure in our old age. Now I am a widow living pretty much from one pay to the next. So my retirement plans have changed. I didn't want to be 62 and still working. I am grateful that David and Brian live nearby and I am so much a part of their lives. What can I say about Tyler and Emily? They are my world. Two of the best kids you can find any where. I have made it through the summer without having to be in a hospital. First time since my surgery in 2007 so that has been great. Not going on vacation with Dave and Shan was a BUMMER and I hope not to do that again. I miss making memories for them, Tyler and Emily. I miss Shar and Bill a lot. They were so good when I was in the hospital for a month in Pittsburgh. Never missed a day to be with me. How special they are and how glad I am to have them. I am still taking a lot of medicine and am hoping when I go back to the doctor in September we can start getting me off some of them. I'll try and not wait so long to post, but since I have FaceBook I spend time on that and post things there, but here I can say more and get my feelings and thoughts out.Darlenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09534531590560408041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1301171359789626229.post-26981358308480985172009-08-13T18:48:00.000-07:002009-08-13T19:17:39.308-07:00Do people really take one day at a time???Do we really take one day at a time or do we let the things pile up on us until we're so loaded down we don't know what to do first. I think I fall into this <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">category</span>. I just keep putting things in my gunny sack and before long the sack is too heavy to carry. This is where I am now. I've been thinking a lot about Jerry, I think because so many things are happening and I feel like I'm the only one dealing with them. I'm really missing him a lot right now. The car needs some work, have an appointment with <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">UAMS</span> on Tuesday, school starts back on Wednesday. Emily's kitten has worms. I hate to drive the car any more than I have to so when I was at <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">Wal</span>-Mart I got some <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-error">de</span>-worming stuff for her. Emily hasn't been to see the kitty in a few days. I think the novelty has worn off. She's a nice cat as cats go, I'm not a big cat person. With all my own stuff going on I can barely take care of myself let a lone an animal. All I know is I want my Jerry back NOW! And that's crazy, which I have been certified as being. It's been 2 1/2 years when does the longing and grief lessen? Or does it ever. Okay end of <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">pity</span> party for now.Darlenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09534531590560408041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1301171359789626229.post-81281476153735726422009-08-03T14:07:00.000-07:002009-08-03T14:22:27.033-07:00I'm still hereWell, since the last post I have been back to the hospital with the same problem so I am going to <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">UMAS</span> on the 18<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">th</span> of August and see if they can help me. While I was in the hospital I had my medication changed and that has helped my depression. I stayed with Brian and Carla for the week end a few weeks ago and Carla took me to a health store where I bought some herbal tea. The stuff was great. Worked like nothing else I've ever had. Then - it stopped working. So I'm back to square one. Went with the gang to New York for a week. Had a great time. Had my picture taken with the "naked cowboy". Emily wanted a kitten or a puppy for her birthday. Her parents said no. The on Sunday before her birthday Paw finds a mother cat and her kitten living in <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">his</span> old truck. Emily is thrilled. Mom and Dad say no, but God says yes. Well, how can I resist that. The kitten is living with me. She has gone to the vet twice for shots and goes on Wednesday to be spayed and <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-error">de</span>-clawed. I am on my way now to a popcorn party that Emily is having. Should be great fun!!!Darlenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09534531590560408041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1301171359789626229.post-36990131027758122322009-04-13T17:24:00.000-07:002009-04-13T17:47:41.068-07:00Really, you can't make this stuff up!!I left in February to be with my friend, Dorothy, for her open heart surgery. Well, I was there one week when I became desperately ill. Off the to ER we go. They do tests - I have an <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">adhesion</span> and need surgery. Okay not too bad, been dealing with this for a year and a half so maybe this guy can fix it for good. Least he says he can. Surgery goes well and I am recovering. Day I am to be discharged I get sick again. No discharge. Back into the bed I go. This goes on for a month. During this time <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">among</span> all the tests they were doing I had 5 count them 5 <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">NG</span> tubes placed and removed at various times. Now, if you have ever had one you know how it is, can you imagine 5. Finally put me on a drug called <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Metoclopram</span> because my stomach does not empty thus the reason for getting so sick all the time. The problem with the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Metoclopram </span>is the side effects. One of which I have. I have muscle <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">spasms</span> in my upper lip. Not attractive to say the least and I noticed today as I was reading to my kids it is effecting my speech. So I will call the doctor and ask him if I should continue the drug or stop and take my chances - I really hate that thought! I will keep ya posted. You have no idea what being away from home for two months, as it turned out to be, does to you. Not only are you sick in a hospital, but you have to worry about all the things going on back home. Especially when you are the only one <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">responsible</span> for everything. Thank heavens I had David and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Shan</span> so close. They took care of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Cee</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">Cee</span> and Dave would go to my house twice a month and we would go over the bills to be paid so I stayed current on everything. There were many times when it was more than I could handle and once when I thought about just giving up and telling them to pull everything and what happens happens. That didn't last long, thank goodness. But I was sick for so long they had to put me on <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">TPN</span>, which is a total nutrition that is done by your blood work. It's white and comes in a big bag that runs through your IV line for 24 hours. As soon as one is done they hang another. So hopefully we will get this med thing worked out and things will finally be as normal for me as they can be. Stayed tuned!Darlenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09534531590560408041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1301171359789626229.post-24150369906121356752009-02-07T06:50:00.000-08:002009-02-07T07:51:55.830-08:00I killed the doctor 4 times over<span style="font-family:arial;">Okay - not literally. Those of you that know me will not find what I am about to say strange in the least. About a week ago I began to experience an odd sensation. I would take two or three bites of something and I would feel so full I was uncomfortable. So, naturally I knew I had stomach cancer. Made an appointment with my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">gastro</span> guy to have an Endoscope done. Now, they put you sleep for this so you need <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">to have</span> someone with you to drive home. My <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">knightess</span> in white armour, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Shan</span>, will take me. On Tuesday off we go. I have to be there at 7 a.m. so we leave the house at 6:15a.m. Get there, get checked in and taken back to a room. I put on the gown and the nurse comes in to hook up the IV so they can administer the sleeping drugs. My procedure was scheduled for 8 - yeah right!!! Finally about 10 they take me back. Now I had made <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Shan</span> promise that if I came back to the room sleeping she was to wake me up. I could sleep in the van on the way home and sleep more at home. I did not want to waste her time sitting there watching me sleep. Back in the procedure room the hook me up to a heart monitor and blood pressure. In the IV the nurse gives me 2 units of whatever drug of the day they are using for putting people to sleep. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">A few</span> minutes <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">later</span> she comes to see if I'm sleeping - I'm not. Not even <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">drowsy</span>. She turns to the doc and he says to give me 2 more. She does. Same result - nothing. She turns to the doc again this time he tells her to give me 4 units of the drug. She does and nothing. At this point I can tell she is a little befuddled. She calls the doc's name one more time and he says give her 10 of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Demoral</span>. She does and once again nothing. Now they decide to squirt this horrid tasting stuff into my mouth, ask me to swish it around and swallow it. YUCK and DOUBLE YUCK! I do. They then turn me on my side and put this round <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">doughnut</span>-like thing in my mount and tie it around me head. Doc then proceeds to insert tube into my throat. Not bad the yucky stuff has <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">numbed</span> my mouth and part of my throat. So far so good. Then he gets to the part that has not been numbed and I can feel the tube going down. Natural reflex is to swallow which I do and they keep encouraging me to swallow. Now I can feel him poking around in my stomach and I'm thinking - I'm going to throw up. How do I tell them I am going to throw up. I have a doughnut in my mouth - can't talk and my hands are tied to the blood pressure machine and the IV pole. So, I calm myself down, breath slowly and finally it's over. They then unhook me from the blood pressure and take me back to me room. Not long after I arrive the good doc appears. He tells <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">Shan</span>, "I gave her enough drugs to kill me 4 times over and look at her. Not a bit sleepy." "Yeah," says <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">Shan</span>, "She takes a lot of medicine." So long story short I don't have stomach cancer, which the doc also told <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">Shan</span> and she again said she knew I didn't. But, what I do have is a nerve that comes into play when you have lap-band surgery. This nerve after the surgery quivers sending a message to the brain that you are full and stop eating, which is how people that have this surgery lose weight. I have never had this surgery, however, my little nerve has decided to quiver on it's on. Now I'm thinking, hey this might not be a bad thing...the benefit without the surgery. Anyway he told me to take <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">Prilosec</span> and it should calm the nerve and I would be fine. Now I find myself in a bit of a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">quandary</span> - I need to have a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">colonoscopy</span>, however, if the drugs they use do not work to put me to sleep then no deal. I have had two of them and I woke up in the middle of the first one and I NEVER want that again. So he and I will talk and decide what to do from there. Is that the end????of course not, <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">remember</span> who is typing this. On Thursday Dave takes me to Little Rock for the steroid injection in my back. We are to be there at 10:30, they will medicate me and I will have the injection at 11:30. Right lady, if all the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_18">meds</span> I had on Tuesday didn't do anything why do you thing your little <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_19">ol</span>' <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_20">Zanax</span> will. So 11:30 comes and goes. 12:00 comes and goes. Finally I go up to the desk and ask when will it be my turn. Oh, she is sorry, the doc just went into surgery. It will be about another hour. WHAT. Okay, I return to my seat, Dave is playing on his mini laptop and he gives me his phone to play some games to amuse myself. Finally they call me. Put me on the table. The nurse rubs my back with sterile stuff and in comes the doc. The nurse tells him who I am and what I am there for. He walks over to the table. Tells me okay bee sting. YIKES - no kidding. He then proceeds to inject me twice more with whatever, and out the door he goes. We have been there since 10:30 it is now around 1:30 the man was not in the room - I kid you not - 15 seconds - not minutes - seconds! Then we leave there, go next door where they put me in a room. Put a medicated patch on my back and have my lie on HOT towels. Finally a little after 2 we get to leave. Now you can not eat before this procedure. I don't know why. They are not putting me to sleep - couldn't if they wanted to. To say Dave and I are <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_21">starving</span> in putting it mildly. So off to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_22">Arby's</span> we go. Love to eat there and since we don't have one around here we don't eat there often so that was a treat. So now I wait two weeks to see if the injection helps, if not I go back for another - all I can say is DON'T GET OLD. Now if you want to read a really funny story about this go to Dave's blog and read his description of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_23">Shan</span> talking to him about my Endoscope. To say he was a little confused it putting it mildly, but it does make for a great read. So enjoy! On a little sadder note, my best friend of 30 years has to have open heart surgery. She had a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_24">cath</span> done on Friday and it turned out to be worse than they thought. Not only is the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_25">carotid</span> valve gone and will have to be replaced, the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_26">mytro</span> valve has prolapsed and will have to be repaired or replaced. They won't know until they open her up. I can not even begin to explain how scared I am for her. We are so close that her husband refers to us as sisters and that is how I feel about her. She is family and I love her. Please keep good thoughts for her. As soon as we get a surgery date I will be flying to Pittsburgh to be with her.</span>Darlenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09534531590560408041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1301171359789626229.post-91971642616077907212009-01-22T19:45:00.000-08:002009-01-22T20:04:12.941-08:00Take the good with the badOn the good - Casey and Vanessa had their baby on Wednesday. The little bugger would not turn so they had to do a c-section. He is 7 pounds 19 inches and his name is Samuel Thomas - great name! I love my family and am so thankful I get to share in all the life experiences a family has. On the bad - David had oral surgery on two teeth on Friday so he's been in some pain. However, story of him after the surgery and on the way home will have you falling on the floor laughing when <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Shan</span> tells it. That girl can tell a story! Speaking of falling on the floor I did that again. I got sick on the way home from the hospital (after Samuel was born). We had stopped at <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Wal</span>-Mart so <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Shan</span> could print some pictures of Samuel for her mom, sister and her to take to work. I stayed in the car with the kids. I suddenly got so hot I though I was going to have to take all my clothes off. Emily helped me get my jackets off, we opened the windows and turned the air to cold. When we got to Prescott we stopped at Sonic and I got a Strawberry Slush thinking something sweet on my stomach might help. Well, we got home and made it to my bathroom just in time. However, I was not just sick at my stomach I was sick at both ends ( I know, Dave, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">TMI</span>) but I need to tell this so will know why I fell. I think because it was coming from both ends I was losing too much fluid too fast and it caused my blood pressure to drop. So when I stood up, back down I went. I'm sure it will leave a mark. Also found out I have four disks in my lower back that have no cushion between them so I go to the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">nuero</span> surgeon on the 30<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">th</span>. Same guy <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Shan</span> used. So I have at least on reference for his work! Still no word on the autopsy for my friend's niece. My friend goes on the 28<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">th</span> to find out about her surgery for her heart. My plan was to go to Pittsburgh to be there for her heart surgery...now I have to wait and see what the doc says. Unless he can do something for a temporary fix there is no way I can sit on a plane that long. Heck, when I get up now Junior calls me Fred (Fred Sanford). So now Junior has four names for me....Darla, Bob, Mimi, and Fred - ya gotta love a guy like that! I must say I feel better getting all this out. Haven't been to therapy in a while and this is the next best thing. I'm going to ask Dave to put some pictures of Samuel on my blog so <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">ya'll</span> can see him.Darlenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09534531590560408041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1301171359789626229.post-69347242642888594672009-01-11T17:59:00.000-08:002009-01-11T18:28:54.911-08:00Can we at least start out the new year w/o problems?This is a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">rhetorical</span> question. Because as everyone knows the answer is NO. My best friend's niece had out patient gall bladder surgery on a Friday. By 2:00 a.m. Sunday she was dead. We don't know why yet. Maybe she threw a clot - I don't know, but <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">geez</span> we only started into the new year. I knew that some time in February would be my friend's open heart surgery and I was preparing for that, but her niece at the age of 44 dying after out patient surgery. I know things happen for a reason and we don't always know the reason, at least not right away, but I have say I am sorta losing my patience here. Now this comes no where near Rhonda Lynn dying, however, for some reason my back has decided it has had enough. So...getting up and down is as bad as having root canal without benefit of some type of numbing. The muscle relaxers did not help, the pain pills have not helped so MRI here I come. Oh, and David goes to the dentist with a bad tooth. He didn't know how bad until he got to the dentist and was told he would need an oral surgeon to have the tooth removed. He does that this Friday. I go tomorrow to set the appointment for the MRI, Dave has his appointment with the oral surgeon on Friday, and Dorothy is having open heart surgery end of January or early February. I know....I know...no one said life was fair or easy, but sorry, I'm thinking my family- immediate and extended - deserve a break. I also know to be very careful what you wish for - you just may get it, but not in the way you intended. I personally have had that experience. With that said, and fingers crossed, would it be possible to have some time with no crisis. No one gets hurt, no one gets sick, no one dies. I know this is a poor me <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">pity</span> party, but ya know what?sometimes you just need one! I love you all. Please stay healthy, be careful driving, check you answers(that one's for Tyler and Emily), tell the people around you how much you love them and how much they mean to you. I love you all and I know I could not have made it this far without all of you. I am very thankful for that. Now, if we can just get this other stuff taken care I will feel a lot better. On a lighter note...I came late to the Boston Legal party - like the last three episodes late. Well, I really <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">enjoyed</span> the ones I did get to see, so for Christmas Dave and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Shan</span> got me Season One. I went on-line and ordered season 2, 3, 4, (5 is not out yet). So I have been having a grand time with my Boston Legal marathon! Thank you guys! It was a great gift. So I think I will end here and go to watch some more Boston Legal - hey it keeps off the streets!Darlenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09534531590560408041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1301171359789626229.post-60437488144389108402009-01-01T19:29:00.000-08:002009-01-01T19:58:07.970-08:00Thank you allI want to thank my family for making the holidays as easy as possible for me. It seems when we are all gathered together - like at meals - is when Jerry's <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">absence</span> is so <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">obvious</span>. I don't want to upset the kids so I will just come back to my house and let it out there. I know I spend a lot of time laying on the bed, but it is not always to sleep. Sometimes it's where I go for my private time to let my grief out. I have the best family and they are always the ones I count first when I count my blessings. I thank you for giving me the time and space that you do without judgement or <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">disdain</span>. Your understanding is what helps me make it through my days. I know I can go to Dave and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Shan's</span> any time I want and just hang out there and I do sometimes go down to their house. Sometimes the grief and the longing to have Jerry back is more than I can handle and that I want to do in private. So some of those times when you think I am sleeping I have really retreated to my bed to let my grief out by myself. Do I sometimes cry myself to sleep? YES. But I am always grateful for my family. All little girls, and big girls love their daddies, and I can see why <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Shan</span> loves hers so much. Junior likes to tease me and give me a hard time and I know that is his way of showing me he cares about me and I love him for that and am so glad to have him in my life. He was the one I went to the day Jerry died and just took over. Made phone calls to get my family back home and stayed with me until they got there. I can still see me standing at his back door crying and telling him I needed help. He was out of his chair and over to me so fast I don't think his feet touched the floor. He literally carried me to the couch and started making calls to find people. I will never forget when he called Kay to tell her (she was in Little Rock at Linnie's) she asked to talk to me. Junior said "No she's very upset and she doesn't need to be talking on the phone." He was trying to protect me from becoming more upset by having to talk to someone on the phone. Well, I told him it was okay I would talk to Kay. But every time he had to make a call or someone called him he would take his cell phone outside so he wouldn't upset me even more. Poor guy, didn't think about him not hearing so well so he talks loud when he is on the phone and even though he was outside I could still hear him. But that is how far he went trying to protect me. So thank you, my family, for being such a blessing to me, for your love, and understanding. You are my life and I love each and every one of you more than you will ever know. All my love to the best family a person could be blessed to have. Mom/Darlene/MimiDarlenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09534531590560408041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1301171359789626229.post-49979989960309520042008-12-30T17:10:00.000-08:002008-12-30T17:40:37.996-08:00New YearIt's hard to believe another year is almost gone. It seems like yesterday we were in Disney World and now the year is over. We made it through another Christmas without Jerry. This one was harder for me than last year. I think because this year I realize he's not coming back. Last year I could still pretend he was in Iraq - there's no pretending now. What will the new year bring? Based on past experiences there will be some good things and some not so good things. If you don't experience some bad times then you don't know about the good times. My best friend lives in Pittsburgh and is going to have open heart surgery, probably in February. I talked to her today and she didn't sound like herself. She has so much going on in her life without facing surgery that I think this is all too much for her. Her mother-in-law is in a nursing home and my friend spends most of her time there. Her mother-in-law has a pacemaker and it has malfunctioned. It shocks her heart when she doesn't need it. They had to decide to have her operated on and have it replaced or have the device <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">disconnected</span>. The <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">cardio</span> surgeon didn't think an operation at her age would go well and he told them either way they would blame themselves. If they decided to have the operation and she didn't make it (which was the surgeon's opinion) they would feel guilty and if they didn't have the operation and something happens they will feel guilty. It's a no win situation. I will go to Pittsburgh when my friend has her surgery. If anything would happen to her and I didn't get to see her I would be devastated. So I will go and pray that things go well. When I talked to her we talked about the new year and she said she hoped that the coming year would be better than this one. I don't know. I think when you get to be our age all you can hope for is that the new year is not worse than this one. The only thing I really hope for is that my family and friends stay well and healthy. So for all of you Happy New Year. I love you all!Darlenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09534531590560408041noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1301171359789626229.post-77116304493442435052008-12-15T19:41:00.000-08:002008-12-15T20:28:01.821-08:00"Everything's a thing"This is a quote my brother, Bill, is quite fond of, and is usually correct. Nothing is simple. Here was the plan....go to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Texarkana</span> to get a gift I needed. While there have <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Cee</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Cee</span> groomed. Called <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">PetSmart</span> since they are right in the area and asked for an appointment for today. No problem they can do her at 4:30. So far so good...except they need to have a current rabies certificate, which I don't have. So call the vet and see if I can get a rabies shot for her on the way to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Texarkana</span>. Okay bring her in. I get her the shot and then off we go to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Texarkana</span>. Now, it being the week before Christmas traffic is crazier than usual and of course I miss the turn into <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">PetSmart</span>. So I turn around and go back only to almost miss it again and nearly get rear ended getting into the place. Get in, take her to the back, tell them how I want her and ask when I can pick her up I need to go to the mall and Target. It is now about 4:30. No problem they say. She will be ready at 7:00. Two and a half hours to groom her???? She's the only dog there. How can is possibly take that long. Well it just does. Okay, I'll go to the mall and then kill some time in Target. As I am pulling out to go to the mall I make a turn and hear this gosh awful sound coming from my left front tire. Now, for those that don't know, I already don't have heat in my car so this thing with the tire has me in a bit of a panic..okay it puts me in a lot of a panic. So I pull into a parking place thinking I have blown a tire. That is exactly what it sounded like. I ran over something and it popped my tire. I sit there trying to decide what to do. Can I change a tire?<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">mmmm</span> maybe. Should I call someone to help me? Who do I call? It is freezing out and raining. Okay, let me get out and look at the damage. Well low and behold I had run over a box with some <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Styrofoam</span> packing in it and it was caught under my car and being dragged by my tire. So I stand in the cold and the rain fighting with this thing to get it out from under my car and away from my tire. That done I continue on to the mall. For some reason I think they have a Things Remembered there and I am looking for something to have engraved. No such luck. Things <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">Remembered</span> is gone. So..change of plans and look for something else. I find a few things I like and will work for the gift I need. So I get them and head off to Target. Did I tell you traffic is a nightmare, and I don't do well in the dark?? So I make it back to Target, get a cart and just start looking around. Now if you know me you know the first place I go is electronics for Tyler and then toys for Emily. I find somethings that catch my fancy, but I don't know if someone has already gotten them. So I call Dave and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">Shan's</span> house. Not home...okay call <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">Shan's</span> cell...no answer..okay call Dave's cell..no answer so I am on my own. Finish up in Target and head back to get <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">Cee</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">Cee</span>. Now they have cut her a little shorter than I wanted (it is winter, freezing and raining out) so I buy her a coat since it is so cold out and I don't have heat in my car. I don't even what to tell ya what my bill in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">PetSmart</span> was. Suffice to say I won't be going there again. Finally we are on the road home when my cell rings. It's <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">Shan</span>. Hey ya called. Yeah where are you? Just coming out of Tyler's <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">basketball</span> game. Oh crap!!! I missed his game. I missed the last one and I promised him I would not miss this one. He even made me <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">repeat</span> the date so I would remember. Did I???? NO!!!! So now I feel like a crummy grandma. I know this is all me and I complicate things more than they need to be. I'm sure there is an easy answer to all this. I need to stop running around with ten thousand things in my head and concentrate on one at a time since that seems to be all I can handle these days. I hate getting old. I used to be able to remember many things and do them all. Now I can't even <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_18">remember</span> my favorite grandson has a game! Honestly I think it was easier before because I had Jerry to help me keep track of things and now I don't have him. I seem to be saying to myself "If I just get through this, I can go on to the next thing and then if I just can get through that I can go on to the next thing, and then if I can get through that.....and on and on it goes. And since I am <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_19">whining</span> so much here's one more. I have had this ache in my left shoulder blade for three days now. It is sapping what strength I have and taking up half of my thought process. I know...I know...call the doc. See what it is. If I can just get through this I will call him and on it goes.......Darlenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09534531590560408041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1301171359789626229.post-73718030039669050432008-12-06T19:56:00.000-08:002008-12-06T20:08:48.723-08:00A first<span style="font-family:arial;">I have been reading the Twilight books and so decided I wanted to see the movie. Tyler was going with me, but it really is a chick flick so I didn't make him. I went by myself. A first. I don't think I have every gone to a movie alone. It was okay. I enjoyed the movie (not as good as the book, but they never are). However, if some day you find I have <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">disappeared</span> know that I am happy and with Edward. You'll have to read the book to understand. But I was <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">actually</span> feeling pretty good about myself. I kinda saw this a a step forward. Going by myself. And since my monitor went out on Tuesday and I was in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Texarkana</span> I went to Best Buy and got me a new one. Funny how we get so dependent on technology that not have a monitor for a few days made me feel like I was out of touch with the world. So I got me a big <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">ol</span>' 22 <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">incher</span>. I could watch TV on this thing. And the blower went out on my car - so no heat. Going to have that looked at on Monday! Like my brother says...<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Everything's</span> a thing! Thank you Dave for hooking up the monitor. Two more week to Christmas. This one seems harder for me than the last one. Don't know why. I just can't get my mind wrapped around the whole thing. I always have my cards done by now, and the boxes mailed to <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Pittsburgh</span>. The boxes are ready, but I have no drive to get them mailed, or to do the cards. Maybe because last year was so new and I was still pretending Jerry was coming back and this year I know he is not. I'll let the shrink figure that one out!</span>Darlenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09534531590560408041noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1301171359789626229.post-75233564971640694062008-11-28T17:43:00.000-08:002008-11-28T18:02:58.360-08:00And God said "Let there be light" and there wasNOT!!!! Well not on my deck anyway! Okay - short story. This started on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. My motion light on the deck had gone out. Well, actually it stayed on all the time and then finally just went out Dave came to look at it. New lights, says he. Off to the store I go for new lights. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Ahhh</span> not the problem. So off to the store I go to get another unit. This time instead of a motion detector I chose a dusk to dawn one. Dave comes up, hooks it up...no light. Junior comes over and fools with it..no light. Finally I tell Dave just screw into the wall so I don't look like trailer trash with my light hanging off. Which he does. Well low and behold doesn't the darn thing come on that night all by itself! Just like it should. At dawn off it goes. Great don't know what the heck the problem is, who cares?it's working. Thanksgiving night works again. Just like it should. Comes on at dusk and off at dawn. And there folks ends my story. The light is no longer coming on. Two nights..it worked for two nights. I'm beginning to think something is afoot err alight. Anyway, I am looking for helpful suggestions. I like having my deck light. It gives me a sense of security - I know - I can hear <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">ya'll</span> now....You never even lock your doors and yet not having a deck light throws you into a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">panic</span>! The answer to that would be a resounding YES!! Don't even try to figure it out. Greater minds than yours have tried and failed. We each have our own little quirks - okay so I have way more than most - but not having a deck light is <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">definitely</span> at the top of the list - at least for this moment it is. HELP!Darlenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09534531590560408041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1301171359789626229.post-70999804987420257202008-11-26T15:21:00.000-08:002008-11-26T16:11:20.651-08:00Yes, Virginia, there is a God<span style="font-family:arial;">I know the line from the movie is "Yes, Virgina, there is a Santa <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Clause</span>". But I am taking a little literary license here and changing the wording. I have known for some time that blessings sent out are given back many times over. I know, for instance, that when I give to the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">church</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">offering</span>, especially when things are tight and I give any way, sometime very soon it will come back to me. Well, recently I learned from a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">friend</span> in Pittsburgh, really he was one of Jerry's best friends, that a former member of the military was <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">suing</span> John <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Murtha</span></span>, the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Senator</span> from Pennsylvania, who is a loud mouth blow hard anyway. Seem these 4 men were wrongly accused of some atrocities in Iraq and found <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Innocent</span>. Did this stop <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Murtha</span></span> from defaming them? Of course not. Shades of North Carolina and the Duke <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">Lacrosse</span> players. Any way, Jerry's friend sends me the email address of Justin <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Sharrat</span></span>, who lives in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Cannonsburg</span></span>, PA and whom <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Murtha</span></span> has taken a personal interest in attacking. Thus <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13"><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">ensues</span></span> a law suit against <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Murtha</span></span> for defamation <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">among</span> other things. Some people just don't know when to shut the duck up! So I go to the web site for Justin and they are asking for help in any way that can be provided. Now, I will grant you, I am no champion of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Murtha's</span></span> so this is a pretty easy call for me. So even though things a tight I write a letter to Justine and send a donation to his defense fund. Not much, but the best I could do. A little time passes and I get a letter from Justin's family. It is a form letter that they <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">obviously</span> send to all donors, but hand written on the bottom of the letter is a personal note to me from Justin's mom. That small personal note meant more to me than words can express. Does God stop there, no - a few days later I <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_18">get</span> a check in the mail from my cancer insurance policy because I had been paying for Jerry on the policy and since he had died and was no longer on the policy they sent me all the back <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_19">premiums</span> I had paid for him. Is God done yet? Nope. A few days after that I get a check from the state of Arkansas that I had over paid my taxes and they were sending me a refund. I am blessed with so many wonderful things in my life. The best family in the world, great friends, a wonderful job that I love, and the sweetest <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_20"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">grandkids</span></span> in the entire world. A person can not ask for more than that, and yet God just keeps giving. I don't understand the wanting to take God out of everything. No prayer in school, In God We Trust off of our money, taking "under God" out of the pledge. When did the rights of so few become more important than the rights of so many? The founding fathers knew how important God was to "the people" and yet some choose to ignore that or slant the writings their way. I don't understand it, but it scares for my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_21"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">grandkids</span></span> growing up. How can you walk through this life, lose someone very special to you and not go crazy thinking you will never see then again. The one thing that has kept with any resemblance of sanity (and there are those that will question that statement) is knowing I will s<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_22"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">ee</span></span> Jerry again some day. If I thought for one minute that I would never see him again I truly would go out of my mind. So please, enjoy your Christmas, but more importantly, enjoy and praise your God. Wishing all a Happy Thanksgiving and a very Merry Christmas. I love you more than there are words to tell you - Mom/Darlene/Mimi/ and for Paw Darla and for <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">Kensley</span> Bob. I have to add a PS here - <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">Shan</span> I am so proud of you and what you have accomplished. I thought you looked great all the time, but I know how much better you feel so a big Way To Go Girl! And to Paw who asked me today if I was down in the dumps. You have to know Paw to know how special those words from him were. Thank you, Paw, and I love you, too! </span>Darlenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09534531590560408041noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1301171359789626229.post-34191892675473903492008-11-24T16:51:00.000-08:002008-11-24T17:05:33.445-08:00Santa Clause is coming to townOkay, the holiday blues have gone away. I did some wrapping of presents tonight and I feel very <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Christmasy</span> (is that a word). Anyway, I am thinking of putting my tree up on Wednesday. We usually wait until Friday, but I think I want to put it up a few days early - the longer to enjoy it my fine pretty. I think that's a line from some nursery rhyme or movie - oh no I know - it's from the Wizard of Oz. It's what the witch says to Dorothy. "I'll get you yet, my fine pretty". I was reading Dave's blog and getting a huge kick out of the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Pittsburghese</span>. What memories hearing those "words" brings back. We sure have a funny way of talking in Pittsburgh. Of course, none of us realized it until we moved away and people began to look at us strangely when we talked. I can remember working in <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Denver</span> and the girls in the office would spell words and then ask me to say them just so they could hear me pronounce them funny. They all got quite a big kick out of my <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">pronunciations</span>. We never said the long i in words like fire or the o in shower - so we would say flour and flower the same way we said shower. You had to listen to whole sentence to make sure what we were talking about. Flour for baking or flower for the garden. Well, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">yinz</span> all take care now!Darlenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09534531590560408041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1301171359789626229.post-78739441846333597462008-11-20T17:45:00.000-08:002008-11-20T18:16:43.576-08:00Holiday Blues<span style="font-family:arial;">Well, the holiday blues have set in. I knew it was coming for a week or so now, but today it came full blown. I know I'll make it and things will be okay when I come out the other side, but right now it's hard to imagine it. I have most of the shopping done and need to get to the wrapping part, but for some reason I have no want to. Ya know when you want to do something and then the times when you don't want to do something. Well, my want to hasn't arrived yet. And I am bone weary and feeling very <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">guilty</span> because I missed Tyler's basketball game tonight. What kind of Mimi am I. So wrapped in my own sadness I can't see beyond my nose. I know people will say I just need to snap out of it it and pull myself together. To those I say - walk in my shoes and then say that. I know if things were reversed and it was Jerry that was left behind he would have been sad for a while and then moved on. I am not him. I think women and men see death of a spouse differently. Maybe it's because I loved him more than he loved me. That's okay. I always knew it and just accepted it, so yes, there would be a difference in his reaction to my death. There should be some class or book or something to prepare you for the loss of a spouse. I know everyone is different, but surely there is something out there that sorta fits the circumstance and can give some enlightenment. I just know I'm tired. Tired of being lonely - not alone. I am not alone. I have a wonderful family and the best <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">grandkids</span> in the entire world, but the lonely comes from not having some one to come home to, not having a heart to share things with. I haven't figured out how to go from 20 years with my parents and then 38 years with Jerry to suddenly no one. Not living with any one. I'm having a very hard time with that. I'm having a hard time with being the one and only one <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">responsible</span> for everything. Getting things fixed, making sure the bills are paid, getting the food, putting it away, doing the laundry, cleaning the house. Doing the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Christmas</span> shopping, the wrapping and the decorating. Jerry always helped with the decorating. It was the one thing he liked, he was like a big kid doing it. I know this is all just a big self pity party, but I think sometimes you need them. I just know I am sad, lonely, and tired to the very core of my bones. My apologies for bringing you down, if you are reading this. But I really do this more for myself than anyone else and I am hoping by getting it out in <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">writing</span> it will change my perspective and lighten things up some. I know I am rambling. I hope it helps me. God knows I need it. Keep good thoughts! To all my family...I love you more than life itself!!!</span>Darlenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09534531590560408041noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1301171359789626229.post-1002933096670095922008-11-17T19:08:00.000-08:002008-11-17T19:32:53.532-08:00Never hesitate to help for a good causeA very good friend of Jerry's, Ed Tech, emails me on a regular bases. Always checking in on me and making sure I'm okay. He also sends me really interesting things to read. The other day he sent me an article about a marine that was <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">acquitted</span> on a murder charge over in Iraq. However, John <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Murtha</span>, the Senator from <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Pennsylvania</span> has said some very nasty things about this young man. Things that amount to slander. So the marine is suing <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Murtha</span>. There is a fund set up to help with his lawsuit. You can email him, send him good wishes or even donate to his fund. Well, knowing Ed Tech like I do and hating John <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Murtha</span> like I do, it was a no <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">brainer</span> to send Justin $100 for his fund. So I did. Did I really have the $100 to send? No, not really, but I felt it was important for me to do even if it meant I would go without something for a while. I expected nothing in return, just wanting to help in any way I could and $100.00 was the most I could muster at this time. Well low and behold in the mail today I get a check from my cancer policy because I have been paying the family rate and since Jerry has died I now pay the individual rate. So they returned all the money I paid for the family plan from the time Jerry died until now. $181.00. Wasn't expecting it, didn't know it was coming. But it certainly re-enforces my believe that a good deed will be rewarded in some way. Maybe not the way you expect or in the time you expect, but it will be. So if you get the chance to do something good for some one do it. Expect nothing in return, just the good feeling of <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">helping</span> some one and you never know when your good deed will come back to you! What a wonderful world if we all did this! Justin's email address is <a href="http://www.justinsharratt.com/">www.justinsharratt.com</a> and for donations Justin Sharratt, fund for Justin, PO Box 44, Cannonsburg, PA 15317-0044. Thank you all. We are free because of the brave and Justin is certainly one of those!Darlenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09534531590560408041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1301171359789626229.post-17707686657549953722008-11-11T16:07:00.000-08:002008-11-11T16:20:09.878-08:00A camping I did goWell, I spent the week end with Brian and Carla at their lake front property in the RV. Cooler this time than last so we didn't do a lot of sitting out side. Saturday night Brian did build a fire and we roasted hot dogs and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">marshmallows</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">YUMMMMMMM</span>. I took a book that my friend Julia had given me so I did read a little. We did some <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">shopping</span> - okay no I did some shopping, Carla just looked around. But, I did get a few things for Christmas so that was good. Saw my drug dealer on Monday and he changed my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">meds</span>. Not new ones, just the milligram and how often to take them. (okay if you're new to this blog my drug dealer is really a doctor and a nice one at that!). I can't believe one more week and then Thanksgiving! Then about three more weeks and out for Christmas! Where does the time go??? Emily is off at gymnastics and I told her I would come down when she gets home so she can show me her cartwheels! Tyler rode home with me from school. I really like it when he can come home with me. It is nice to come home with someone instead of coming in the house alone! This is an especially hard time for me, November is the month my dad died from an automobile accident, the holidays are coming for the third time without Jerry (second since he died, but he left for Houston before the holidays in 2006), and my mom died in January - so things will be rough for a while. I'll try to keep busy and get some Christmas spirit! So if I don't get a chance - Happy Thanksgiving to all. Tell your family and friends you love them and be ever so thankful to have them!Darlenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09534531590560408041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1301171359789626229.post-30999977335114553892008-11-05T18:19:00.000-08:002008-11-05T18:50:24.347-08:00Okay - maybe my brother wasn't adoptedMy brother, Bill, called me tonight to make sure I was okay. He knew how much of a McCain supporter I am. We talked for over an hour about several things. Of course the election was the big topic. Bill was thoughtful, concerned, and funny. He always makes me laugh and I always feel better after I talk to him. So I'm thinking maybe he wasn't adopted after all. As we talked I could hear our mother saying the same things he was saying. My mother didn't play - she spoke her mind no matter what, but she was also one of the most accepting individuals I knew. She never saw color, religion, or status of anyone. She treated everyone the same - which some of the time was not so great, at least with us kids. Bill and I talked tonight about a lady Mom worked with. Her name was Kix. She was black and worked as a cook where our mother worked as a waitress. There were many times when Mom would ride Kix home from work, now take into account this was probably 50 years ago and things were very different then. Any way, the first time she offered Kix a ride home Kix asked Mom if she should ride in the back. Our mom looked at her like she was crazy. Why in the world would she ride in the back when there was a perfectly good seat in the front and it was just Mom and Kix in the car. Kix felt that her status was lower than Mom's and didn't want to seem "uppity" as they used to say. Mom would have none of it. Kix was riding in the front with her and that was all there was to it. She always gave ya a fair shot. Now if you screwed up that was the end of you as far as she was concerned. Mom went 5 years without talking to our aunt that lived right next door to us. All over an argument they had about my cousin and me. My cousin and I had gotten into a fight about some dumb thing. My mom thought I was right and my aunt thought my cousin was right. Well that was the end of the conversation between the two of them for the next 5 years. It would have gone on longer, but my aunt came to the back door one day, opened it and threw in a hat. There was an old saying back then that if you had a fight with someone and threw your hat in their house and the hat didn't come back out then it was okay to go in and the fight was over. And so the fight was over. Mom didn't through the hat back. But that was the kind of person Mom was and I think there is a lot of her in my brother. So since I am the kind of person that will tell you how the watch is made if you ask me the time, I have taken all these words to say Bill is not adopted, he is really my brother and I love him.Darlenehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09534531590560408041noreply@blogger.com1