Not sure

Titled this not sure cause I'm not sure what I'm going to say here. I'm feeling lazy, but full of love for my family. I am sad Jerry is not here, but happy I have my Tyler and Emily in my life. Summer has flown by, like it always does and school will start again soon. Finally I will get to be in the same grade as Emily. I have waited five years for this to happen! How can it be possible to have two opposing feelings in your heart at the same time? Wish I knew.

What to say?

I'm not sure what I want to say. I am back in therapy, but not sure about the therapist. I loved Carol and I know it's not fair to compare one to the other, but this one is no Carol. She's the one that does most of the talking instead of letting me talk things out the way Carol did. I'm not sure where I should be in the grief process. I don't feel I've moved much from the way I was when Jerry died April 28, 2007. The lonelyness is over whelming. This may come from never have lived on my own. Going from living with my parents to living with Jerry. Coming home to an empty house, eating alone every night is horrid. I know I've said all these things before and that only reenforces the fact that I have not moved forward. I am stuck in this time warp and am hoping Brenda can help me out of it. Dealing with the after effects of the surgery does not help. My OCD kicks in hard when it comes to that. I have to take my meds at exactly the right time or I get a hugh anxiety attack. This happens when I'm out somewhere, for example, when we were on vacation in DC or when I go to Hot Springs. At Brian and Carla's this doesn't happen as often since we are rarely out past the time I take my meds which is around 7 p.m. I actually think I just wait for that time of the day when I can take my meds, especially my sleeping pill. I don't know why, but I love to take my pills and then fall asleep on the couch. Sometimes I sleep there until 1 in the morning and then get up and go to the bed. I wake up around 6 so my day seems long to me. I have no where to go and no one to go with. No one comes here. If I want to see them I go there. My finances are a worry. I make enough to pay my bills, but that's about all. Going on vacation was hard on the finances, but I felt I needed to get away. This is not the life I planned. I never thought I would need to be working at 63 but I here I am. These are all the things I need to talk to Brenda about. Hopefully when I see her again I can and she can give me some insight.

No better - another stay in the hospital

sad is all I want to say today. Maybe it was the three days in the hospital, but I have felt sad since I came home. Sadder than usual that is. It might be because I thought I was doing so well and staying out of the hospital and then it comes and hits you out of nowhere. Carol promised me it would get better. It hasn't. How long does it take to get better and find some peace from Jerry's death. It will be 4 years next month and I am no better.

Am I a little better???

I am trying to convince myself I am better than I was on Thanksgiving, but I don't think so. The tears still come so easily and my depression is so deep. This was supposed to get easier, or so they said, not happening. The closer Christmas comes the worse I am getting. I go to the doctor on the 1st and may be he can help. Lord knows I need it.

Don't Understand

I don't know why, but I am feeling the loss of Jerry more this holiday season than any other except for the year he died. Is it because I am getting older or is this how it will be as time passes. They will get harder instead of easier. I have no desire for Christmas to come. Have no want to wrap presents and get the tree up. I wouldn't mind if Christmas was just another day in the week and passed on by. If it wasn't for Tyler and Emily that is exactly what I would want it to do. The believe is that things get easier with time...that is not happening with me. And what's up with me not wanting to leave the house. It takes me two hours to talk myself into leaving the house. I get up at 5:30 in the morning so I can leave the house by 7:30 for school. Once I'm there all I do is count the time until I can get back to my house. The really strange thing is I love my job, but something is going on with me. I go to the doctor on the 1st. of December. Maybe he can give me some answers.

Tough couple of days

Last Friday I went to the funeral for the viewing of a friend's husband. It was the first time I was back at the funeral home since Jerry died and Bud was in the same room as Jerry and the service was in the same chapel. It was hard being back there again. I was flooded with memories and sad for my friend at the same time. Next to losing a child, losing a spouse is the most difficult thing you will endure. It's been 3 1/2 years since Jerry died and I am still having a hard time with it. If you have lost a spouse don't let anyone tell you that you should be over it by now. You never get over it, you are not going to be the same person you were before your spouse died. If people tell you they want the person you were back tell them you are sorry, but that person died with your spouse. I'm not saying you won't find joy in your life again. I'm just saying it will be different. Take each day as it comes. Some will be better than others. Some days just getting you face washed will be a big step, others will be better. Remember there are people around you that love you. Take relieve in that.

Summer vacation is over

Well, summer vacation is over - at least for teachers and aides. We started back on the 10th. The kids come back on the 19th. I'm with Kim and Angie again so I am thrilled. Health wise I'm doing okay on my regiment of Miralax twice a day and all the meds from Dr. Tobey. Tyler and Emily are great - that goes without really needing to be said. Carla's Vince is getting married in September and I will be going to the wedding. Jerry is really on my mind. He should be here going to the wedding with me. I went to Hot Springs and spent several days with Brian and Carla. Helped Carla at one of her estate sales in The Village. Shan is sooo busy. Beside working in her room she is helping a girl learn some routines with a baton so she can march with the school band. She's working 12 and 15 hour days. Dave is getting ready for the big move for the co-op to their new building. Brian is working hard, as usual, at his job in the call center.