Tough couple of days

Last Friday I went to the funeral for the viewing of a friend's husband. It was the first time I was back at the funeral home since Jerry died and Bud was in the same room as Jerry and the service was in the same chapel. It was hard being back there again. I was flooded with memories and sad for my friend at the same time. Next to losing a child, losing a spouse is the most difficult thing you will endure. It's been 3 1/2 years since Jerry died and I am still having a hard time with it. If you have lost a spouse don't let anyone tell you that you should be over it by now. You never get over it, you are not going to be the same person you were before your spouse died. If people tell you they want the person you were back tell them you are sorry, but that person died with your spouse. I'm not saying you won't find joy in your life again. I'm just saying it will be different. Take each day as it comes. Some will be better than others. Some days just getting you face washed will be a big step, others will be better. Remember there are people around you that love you. Take relieve in that.

Summer vacation is over

Well, summer vacation is over - at least for teachers and aides. We started back on the 10th. The kids come back on the 19th. I'm with Kim and Angie again so I am thrilled. Health wise I'm doing okay on my regiment of Miralax twice a day and all the meds from Dr. Tobey. Tyler and Emily are great - that goes without really needing to be said. Carla's Vince is getting married in September and I will be going to the wedding. Jerry is really on my mind. He should be here going to the wedding with me. I went to Hot Springs and spent several days with Brian and Carla. Helped Carla at one of her estate sales in The Village. Shan is sooo busy. Beside working in her room she is helping a girl learn some routines with a baton so she can march with the school band. She's working 12 and 15 hour days. Dave is getting ready for the big move for the co-op to their new building. Brian is working hard, as usual, at his job in the call center.

WOW it has been a while

It's July 29, 2010. I have more days of being okay than days of not being okay. I am a different person than I was before April 28, 2007. Of course, I am. How can I not be. I was a wife looking to a bright future with Jerry. We were planning special things to do with the family and to do on our own. We were going to be happy and secure in our old age. Now I am a widow living pretty much from one pay to the next. So my retirement plans have changed. I didn't want to be 62 and still working. I am grateful that David and Brian live nearby and I am so much a part of their lives. What can I say about Tyler and Emily? They are my world. Two of the best kids you can find any where. I have made it through the summer without having to be in a hospital. First time since my surgery in 2007 so that has been great. Not going on vacation with Dave and Shan was a BUMMER and I hope not to do that again. I miss making memories for them, Tyler and Emily. I miss Shar and Bill a lot. They were so good when I was in the hospital for a month in Pittsburgh. Never missed a day to be with me. How special they are and how glad I am to have them. I am still taking a lot of medicine and am hoping when I go back to the doctor in September we can start getting me off some of them. I'll try and not wait so long to post, but since I have FaceBook I spend time on that and post things there, but here I can say more and get my feelings and thoughts out.

Do people really take one day at a time???

Do we really take one day at a time or do we let the things pile up on us until we're so loaded down we don't know what to do first. I think I fall into this category. I just keep putting things in my gunny sack and before long the sack is too heavy to carry. This is where I am now. I've been thinking a lot about Jerry, I think because so many things are happening and I feel like I'm the only one dealing with them. I'm really missing him a lot right now. The car needs some work, have an appointment with UAMS on Tuesday, school starts back on Wednesday. Emily's kitten has worms. I hate to drive the car any more than I have to so when I was at Wal-Mart I got some de-worming stuff for her. Emily hasn't been to see the kitty in a few days. I think the novelty has worn off. She's a nice cat as cats go, I'm not a big cat person. With all my own stuff going on I can barely take care of myself let a lone an animal. All I know is I want my Jerry back NOW! And that's crazy, which I have been certified as being. It's been 2 1/2 years when does the longing and grief lessen? Or does it ever. Okay end of pity party for now.

I'm still here

Well, since the last post I have been back to the hospital with the same problem so I am going to UMAS on the 18th of August and see if they can help me. While I was in the hospital I had my medication changed and that has helped my depression. I stayed with Brian and Carla for the week end a few weeks ago and Carla took me to a health store where I bought some herbal tea. The stuff was great. Worked like nothing else I've ever had. Then - it stopped working. So I'm back to square one. Went with the gang to New York for a week. Had a great time. Had my picture taken with the "naked cowboy". Emily wanted a kitten or a puppy for her birthday. Her parents said no. The on Sunday before her birthday Paw finds a mother cat and her kitten living in his old truck. Emily is thrilled. Mom and Dad say no, but God says yes. Well, how can I resist that. The kitten is living with me. She has gone to the vet twice for shots and goes on Wednesday to be spayed and de-clawed. I am on my way now to a popcorn party that Emily is having. Should be great fun!!!

Really, you can't make this stuff up!!

I left in February to be with my friend, Dorothy, for her open heart surgery. Well, I was there one week when I became desperately ill. Off the to ER we go. They do tests - I have an adhesion and need surgery. Okay not too bad, been dealing with this for a year and a half so maybe this guy can fix it for good. Least he says he can. Surgery goes well and I am recovering. Day I am to be discharged I get sick again. No discharge. Back into the bed I go. This goes on for a month. During this time among all the tests they were doing I had 5 count them 5 NG tubes placed and removed at various times. Now, if you have ever had one you know how it is, can you imagine 5. Finally put me on a drug called Metoclopram because my stomach does not empty thus the reason for getting so sick all the time. The problem with the Metoclopram is the side effects. One of which I have. I have muscle spasms in my upper lip. Not attractive to say the least and I noticed today as I was reading to my kids it is effecting my speech. So I will call the doctor and ask him if I should continue the drug or stop and take my chances - I really hate that thought! I will keep ya posted. You have no idea what being away from home for two months, as it turned out to be, does to you. Not only are you sick in a hospital, but you have to worry about all the things going on back home. Especially when you are the only one responsible for everything. Thank heavens I had David and Shan so close. They took care of Cee Cee and Dave would go to my house twice a month and we would go over the bills to be paid so I stayed current on everything. There were many times when it was more than I could handle and once when I thought about just giving up and telling them to pull everything and what happens happens. That didn't last long, thank goodness. But I was sick for so long they had to put me on TPN, which is a total nutrition that is done by your blood work. It's white and comes in a big bag that runs through your IV line for 24 hours. As soon as one is done they hang another. So hopefully we will get this med thing worked out and things will finally be as normal for me as they can be. Stayed tuned!

I killed the doctor 4 times over

Okay - not literally. Those of you that know me will not find what I am about to say strange in the least. About a week ago I began to experience an odd sensation. I would take two or three bites of something and I would feel so full I was uncomfortable. So, naturally I knew I had stomach cancer. Made an appointment with my gastro guy to have an Endoscope done. Now, they put you sleep for this so you need to have someone with you to drive home. My knightess in white armour, Shan, will take me. On Tuesday off we go. I have to be there at 7 a.m. so we leave the house at 6:15a.m. Get there, get checked in and taken back to a room. I put on the gown and the nurse comes in to hook up the IV so they can administer the sleeping drugs. My procedure was scheduled for 8 - yeah right!!! Finally about 10 they take me back. Now I had made Shan promise that if I came back to the room sleeping she was to wake me up. I could sleep in the van on the way home and sleep more at home. I did not want to waste her time sitting there watching me sleep. Back in the procedure room the hook me up to a heart monitor and blood pressure. In the IV the nurse gives me 2 units of whatever drug of the day they are using for putting people to sleep. A few minutes later she comes to see if I'm sleeping - I'm not. Not even drowsy. She turns to the doc and he says to give me 2 more. She does. Same result - nothing. She turns to the doc again this time he tells her to give me 4 units of the drug. She does and nothing. At this point I can tell she is a little befuddled. She calls the doc's name one more time and he says give her 10 of Demoral. She does and once again nothing. Now they decide to squirt this horrid tasting stuff into my mouth, ask me to swish it around and swallow it. YUCK and DOUBLE YUCK! I do. They then turn me on my side and put this round doughnut-like thing in my mount and tie it around me head. Doc then proceeds to insert tube into my throat. Not bad the yucky stuff has numbed my mouth and part of my throat. So far so good. Then he gets to the part that has not been numbed and I can feel the tube going down. Natural reflex is to swallow which I do and they keep encouraging me to swallow. Now I can feel him poking around in my stomach and I'm thinking - I'm going to throw up. How do I tell them I am going to throw up. I have a doughnut in my mouth - can't talk and my hands are tied to the blood pressure machine and the IV pole. So, I calm myself down, breath slowly and finally it's over. They then unhook me from the blood pressure and take me back to me room. Not long after I arrive the good doc appears. He tells Shan, "I gave her enough drugs to kill me 4 times over and look at her. Not a bit sleepy." "Yeah," says Shan, "She takes a lot of medicine." So long story short I don't have stomach cancer, which the doc also told Shan and she again said she knew I didn't. But, what I do have is a nerve that comes into play when you have lap-band surgery. This nerve after the surgery quivers sending a message to the brain that you are full and stop eating, which is how people that have this surgery lose weight. I have never had this surgery, however, my little nerve has decided to quiver on it's on. Now I'm thinking, hey this might not be a bad thing...the benefit without the surgery. Anyway he told me to take Prilosec and it should calm the nerve and I would be fine. Now I find myself in a bit of a quandary - I need to have a colonoscopy, however, if the drugs they use do not work to put me to sleep then no deal. I have had two of them and I woke up in the middle of the first one and I NEVER want that again. So he and I will talk and decide what to do from there. Is that the end????of course not, remember who is typing this. On Thursday Dave takes me to Little Rock for the steroid injection in my back. We are to be there at 10:30, they will medicate me and I will have the injection at 11:30. Right lady, if all the meds I had on Tuesday didn't do anything why do you thing your little ol' Zanax will. So 11:30 comes and goes. 12:00 comes and goes. Finally I go up to the desk and ask when will it be my turn. Oh, she is sorry, the doc just went into surgery. It will be about another hour. WHAT. Okay, I return to my seat, Dave is playing on his mini laptop and he gives me his phone to play some games to amuse myself. Finally they call me. Put me on the table. The nurse rubs my back with sterile stuff and in comes the doc. The nurse tells him who I am and what I am there for. He walks over to the table. Tells me okay bee sting. YIKES - no kidding. He then proceeds to inject me twice more with whatever, and out the door he goes. We have been there since 10:30 it is now around 1:30 the man was not in the room - I kid you not - 15 seconds - not minutes - seconds! Then we leave there, go next door where they put me in a room. Put a medicated patch on my back and have my lie on HOT towels. Finally a little after 2 we get to leave. Now you can not eat before this procedure. I don't know why. They are not putting me to sleep - couldn't if they wanted to. To say Dave and I are starving in putting it mildly. So off to Arby's we go. Love to eat there and since we don't have one around here we don't eat there often so that was a treat. So now I wait two weeks to see if the injection helps, if not I go back for another - all I can say is DON'T GET OLD. Now if you want to read a really funny story about this go to Dave's blog and read his description of Shan talking to him about my Endoscope. To say he was a little confused it putting it mildly, but it does make for a great read. So enjoy! On a little sadder note, my best friend of 30 years has to have open heart surgery. She had a cath done on Friday and it turned out to be worse than they thought. Not only is the carotid valve gone and will have to be replaced, the mytro valve has prolapsed and will have to be repaired or replaced. They won't know until they open her up. I can not even begin to explain how scared I am for her. We are so close that her husband refers to us as sisters and that is how I feel about her. She is family and I love her. Please keep good thoughts for her. As soon as we get a surgery date I will be flying to Pittsburgh to be with her.