Where does the time go?

Wow - almost the end of July. It amazes me how fast the summer has gone. It also amazed me how fast the last school year went and here we are again getting ready to start another! Does it seem this way to everyone or just to those of us that are older and have more years behind us than we have ahead of us? I re-read what I had written last night and I am not feeling as bad as I was when I wrote that. Maybe this is how it will go for awhile. Okay days sometimes and some not so okay days. I worked in the class room again today. Shan and the kids were at the school so I took the kids swimming while Shan did some work in her class room. She came to the pool around 3:00 or so. I played in the water some more with Emily and then came home to shower. The girl is a hoot anyway and in the water is no different. She has no fear, which frightens me. She will try just about anything - which is okay as long as we are there to keep her safe. But, she has learned a lot. She told me today that if she was ever floating on a raft and fell off all she has to remember is to swim to side and hold onto the wall of the pool. She swims like a fish under water - that girl can go. We had fun with her coming down the slide in different positions and me having to give her a score - like an Olympic event. There were some guys Tyler goes to school with there and they seemed to be having great fun doing cannon balls off the high dive. And, I am sad to say I gave in and went to Sonic and got a burger for Cee Cee. I have tried since we came home from Disney World to give her just dog food since that was all she had while she stayed with Brian and Carla. We've been home for almost 3 weeks now and she hasn't eaten - so yes, I caved! At least she ate. I tried to mix it in with the dog food, but she would have none of that. She picked around the dog food and got the burger. So once again I will be a regular customer of Sonic! Way to go Cee Cee!!

Tonight I am feeling blue

I think I do this more for me than for anyone else. It helps, I think, to put your thoughts down, sometimes it helps to make sense of them. I had a good day. Went to the school and did some work in the class room, met friends for lunch, came home, and Emily and I baked the pizza cookie recipe she found in one of her books. They turned out quite yummy. I think watching the video of her and the cooking show made me sad because Jerry is not here to share it with. I don't know. I wish someone could explain to me - if there is an explanation - what causes the reactions I experience. I watched Emily's video early and smiled and just enjoyed watching and listening to her. Tonight when I looked at it again it made my cry. I am feeling very lonely tonight and missing Jerry so much my heart is hurting. I thought things were getting better. I even made it through a therapy session without crying so I thought I was making some head way in my grieving process. I don't know why tonight is especially bad, but it is. I can't stop the tears from flowing.. Is there something wrong with me that after more than a year since Jerry died I am still devastated by his death? Will the heaviness in my heart every go away. I am at an extremely low point tonight and I'm not sure why. I would appreciate any feed back you can give me on this. I'm tired of being sad.. Is that wrong to feel that way? I just know I feel like all the strength has been drained out of me. I am weary, just weary. Is this something I can control? Is there something I can do. I thought I was having a good day. Worked at the school for a while, had lunch with friends, and made cookies with Emily. How much better can your day get? Am I being selfish in that all of those things are not enough for me right now? Is this a feeling that I will have from time to time? If you have any words of wisdom please give them to me. Is this feeling a choice I am some how making and not realizing I am making the choice to be melancholy and sad? I don't know. I just know I am just weary.

What I am feeling right now

I do a good bit of sleeping. You may call it depression, you may call it escapism, you may call it boredom. Doesn't matter what label you put on it. This is my explanation because every one is different. Every death is different and there is no right way or wrong way to handle it. I can remember when I was taking care of my mom at her house when she was very sick and had a lot of medical problems and getting into bed with Jerry at 11 or 12 at night and telling him "This is my favorite time of day. There are no demands on me and I can relax." When I sleep now sometimes it is my favorite time of day. When I sleep there are no dishes to do, no laundry to do, no cleaning to do, no bills to pay. And just perchance I may even dream of Jerry and for that space of time all is right with my world. Until you experience this you have no idea how lonely you are. Not alone...I am not alone. I have great family and friends that will be here at my side in a moments notice if I need them. Being alone and being lonely are two totally different things. I am very sensitive to how my family sees me. I know sometimes my expectations are unrealistic. They are not mind readers, therefore they have no idea what I am thinking or feeling at any particular moment. They are not here in the evenings when the loneliness is so over whelming I can barely breath. It amazes me how lonely I am after more than a year. There are things you have to go through on your own. And I would never want to upset Emily and Tyler. Maybe that is the wrong way to feel. Maybe those are the times I should call and ask them to come over and talk with me about Dad/Jerry/Grandpa/Poppy. It is hard to know what is the right thing to do sometimes. I may have a couple of bad weeks coming up. For the first time since Jerry died last April there is nothing for me to have to do. No going back to finish the school year, no surgery, thank heavens, no trip to Texas with Julia, no planning our great trip to Disney World, no CNA classes and State Boards to concentrate on. Only several weeks of pretty much nothing. I can go to the school and do some work in the room, and I will, but it's different and I'm not sure I can find the words to explain it. Tyler and Emily are my pride and joy, but sometimes the loneliness is so over whelming even they can't take it away. So I go to my bed and hope really hard I will fall asleep (I don't always, sometimes I just lay there for a few hours) and as I'm sleeping maybe, just maybe I will dream of Jerry and my world is whole once again! Thank you all for your understanding , love, patience, and just being there. I love you all more than you will ever know.

Therapy is a wonderful tool

As I have stated in my previous blogs I am a believer in therapy when needed, and boy did I need it after Jerry died and the whole surgery and back and forth to the hospital thing. It has helped me in more ways than I can say. I had a session yesterday and for the first time I was able to get through the entire session without crying. A big accomplishment for me. Last year at this time I never thought I would get to this place. But, here I am. Thank heavens for my family - they keep me just crazy enough to keep me sane if you know what I mean. Thank heavens for the opportunity to attend the CNA classes - they kept me busy and focused on something other than myself. I no longer see my bed as a place of refuse, but as a place to sleep and sometimes ponder the days events and that's okay. I had a wonderful time at Disney World, thanks again to my kids for dragging me along and putting up with my "problems" of needing a bathroom, and they didn't really drag me along. I wanted to go and I know they wanted me to go. I have so many blessings to focus on now. Last year at this time I could not see any blessings in my life and never thought I would get to this point. People told me I would - I didn't believe them. How could the pain and sorrow I was feeling ever lessen enough to allow me to function in any normal way. Well I have gotten to that point, all the people were right and - not that I ever really functioned in a "normal" way I am functioning in a normal a way as possible for someone with OCD and GAD. My children - and that includes my daughter-in-laws, and my grandchildren are the joy of my life. They are the reason I can smile every day. So, if you are just at the beginning of experiencing a loss, let the experience happen at it's own pace, don't let any one tell you there is a right way or a wrong way there is only your way and my hope and wish for you is that you too will come out on the other side and be able to count your blessings just as I have. Since I am beginning to feel like a regular person again (I will always miss Jerry and the hole in my heart will always be there) my blog may take on a different feel and I may blog "what ever pops into my head" - sorry Dave, stole your theme there! However, if you feel the need to comment on a loss you are experiencing and need some feedback or just a shoulder to lean on, by all means I am here for that. I see my therapy coming to end in the very near future, but I will always be here for anyone that needs that someone with a shared experience.

Learning from your children

As I said in my previous blog I was bummed out about my State Board skill test. When I talked to my son, Brian, he asked me when they had changed my name to God? I said they haven't changed my name to God. He then said, well guess what, until they name you God you are allowed to make mistakes! Today I had a staff development with David as the instructor. The first class was on pod cast - like I even know what that is - and the second session was on photo collages. It was really cool to learn all the things you can do with digital pictures and your little ol' computer! Man, my kids are smart!!!! And, yes I am very proud of both of them! So...thank you, Brian for the words of wisdom, and thank you David for being such a great instructor. I really enjoyed both classes and it was sooo much fun having my son teach them. How cool can you get?????

It doesn't seem to end

I just found out my best friend's daughter has lost her mother-in-law. She suffered with what all the doctors said was indigestion. Until she could stand it no more and insisted on a scope. Well guess what, it was not indigestion at all. Her stomach was full of cancer. She found this out the beginning of the summer and now she is gone. I think that is the part that aggravates me the most. Doctors tend to put people off and take the the easiest cause and treat it. When that didn't work they changed her medicine. When that didn't work they changed her medicine again. When that didn't work she insisted on a scope to see what the heck was going on. This had gone on for a YEAR! They do the scope and low and behold we are so sorry - you have stomach cancer - very advanced and there is nothing we can do. Had it been caught earlier we may have been able to do something. The lady doctored for a year! Had you known earlier???? Give me a break. I know doctors are humans, but to go on with this for a year is just plain ridiculous! I am going to become very proactive in my health care. I have something wrong and you give me a pill and it doesn't work, guess what folks we're not trying another pill we're going on to what the next possible cause for my problem is! I went through this with my grandmother. She doctored for a year with what they told her was a uterine infection. WRONG - she had colon cancer that perforated her uterus and had to have a colostomy bag. She lasted about 2 years! This is the kind of stuff that boils my blood! Please, Please, do not let your doctor take the easy way out. You insist on finding the cause of your problem. If your doctor doesn't agree with what you want to do find another doctor, that one is not looking out for your best interest! Lord, I ask thee - give me strength.

A very sad day

I found out this afternoon that a lady I work with at school lost her husband this morning. I just saw them in church on Sunday and now he is gone. He had a massive stroke on Tuesday. I am going over to her house later today. You would think having gone through this myself a year ago I would know what to say and how to help her. Wrong. I have no idea. Every death is different. I can't say I've walked in her shoes because I haven't. My husband's death was very different from hers. So I will go to her house, hug her, and cry with her. I took my State Boards for CNA today and was pretty bummed because I blew the skills part of the test. The written part I aced. I made a 100 no question in my mind. The skills part I did all the skills correctly, but missed the basics - washing my hands and wearing gloves. How stupid can ya get. However, since hearing about Penny's husband it's not that big a deal. It's a simple test that really does not change my life one way or the other. So if I passed I did and if I didn't - oh well - I'll retake the skills part. Penny can never get her husband back and that far out weighs anything so trivial as a silly skills test.

We're Back

We're back from Disney World and all of our adventures. We had a wonderful time. Lots of cool rides and shows. It was great seeing everything through Tyler and Emily's eyes. What a thrill for a grandmother! We took a shuttle from our hotel every day to EPCOT and then either a Disney bus or the Monorail to the park we were going to for the day. The last day it rained all day, especially when we were standing out in the open waiting for the shuttle to pick us up. One of the funniest things to happen was one night on the shuttle we all thought the driver was taking us to the wrong hotel. Shan's mom kept asking Dave how much longer he was going to let the driver go since we were going to the wrong hotel. We did the whole thing about Gilligan's Island and the three hour tour. Turns out the driver knew exactly what he was doing and the hotel he passed that we thought was ours, was in fact, not our hotel. But, we all had a great laugh. Going to Disney World really requires two days in each park, probably except for Disney Studios - that you can do in one day. But there is so much to do and see in the other parks, and with the long lines and how far you have to walk from one thing to another you need two days. I loved seeing Tyler's face after his roller coaster ride and Emily in Magic Kingdom when we went to Cinderella's castle and she had her hair, make-up and nails done. She said that day was the best day of her life! When she was done they put a sash on her that said PRINCESS. For the rest of the day all the park employees we saw called her princess and asked how her day was. Such attention to detail was one of the things that impressed me the most. Nothing is too insignificant to let go - they work down to the smallest detail and it really makes a difference in your visit and what you experience. If you ever have the chance to go - do it. Allow for lots of time, wear comfortable shoes, and drink lots of water! My wish for you is to have a great a time as we did! For some great pictures go to Dave's blog. www.just popped into my head .blogspot.com Thank you Dave and Shan for taking me along on such a wonderful adventure! I loved it!!! And thank you Tyler and Emily. You could not find two better kids in the world. The were wonderful to travel with (we drove and it is a l o n g drive!) They had a great time in the parks and never complained about all the walking and waiting you have to do! They are the best!!

We're off

We're off to find the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz....wait a minute, that's not where we're going. Sing with me....M I C K E Y M O U S E MICKEY MOUSE, DONALD DUCK, MICKEY MOUSE, DONALD DUCK. FOREVER LET US HOLD OUR BANNERS HIGH, HIGH, HIGH. SO COME ALONG AND SING OUR SONG AND JOIN OUR JAMBOREE...M I C (SEE YA REAL SOON) K E Y (WHY? BECAUSE WE LIKE YA) MOUSE. BYE BYE FOR NOW. SEE YA NEXT TIME ON THE MICKEY MOUSE CLUB!