Am I a little better???

I am trying to convince myself I am better than I was on Thanksgiving, but I don't think so. The tears still come so easily and my depression is so deep. This was supposed to get easier, or so they said, not happening. The closer Christmas comes the worse I am getting. I go to the doctor on the 1st and may be he can help. Lord knows I need it.

Don't Understand

I don't know why, but I am feeling the loss of Jerry more this holiday season than any other except for the year he died. Is it because I am getting older or is this how it will be as time passes. They will get harder instead of easier. I have no desire for Christmas to come. Have no want to wrap presents and get the tree up. I wouldn't mind if Christmas was just another day in the week and passed on by. If it wasn't for Tyler and Emily that is exactly what I would want it to do. The believe is that things get easier with time...that is not happening with me. And what's up with me not wanting to leave the house. It takes me two hours to talk myself into leaving the house. I get up at 5:30 in the morning so I can leave the house by 7:30 for school. Once I'm there all I do is count the time until I can get back to my house. The really strange thing is I love my job, but something is going on with me. I go to the doctor on the 1st. of December. Maybe he can give me some answers.

Tough couple of days

Last Friday I went to the funeral for the viewing of a friend's husband. It was the first time I was back at the funeral home since Jerry died and Bud was in the same room as Jerry and the service was in the same chapel. It was hard being back there again. I was flooded with memories and sad for my friend at the same time. Next to losing a child, losing a spouse is the most difficult thing you will endure. It's been 3 1/2 years since Jerry died and I am still having a hard time with it. If you have lost a spouse don't let anyone tell you that you should be over it by now. You never get over it, you are not going to be the same person you were before your spouse died. If people tell you they want the person you were back tell them you are sorry, but that person died with your spouse. I'm not saying you won't find joy in your life again. I'm just saying it will be different. Take each day as it comes. Some will be better than others. Some days just getting you face washed will be a big step, others will be better. Remember there are people around you that love you. Take relieve in that.

Summer vacation is over

Well, summer vacation is over - at least for teachers and aides. We started back on the 10th. The kids come back on the 19th. I'm with Kim and Angie again so I am thrilled. Health wise I'm doing okay on my regiment of Miralax twice a day and all the meds from Dr. Tobey. Tyler and Emily are great - that goes without really needing to be said. Carla's Vince is getting married in September and I will be going to the wedding. Jerry is really on my mind. He should be here going to the wedding with me. I went to Hot Springs and spent several days with Brian and Carla. Helped Carla at one of her estate sales in The Village. Shan is sooo busy. Beside working in her room she is helping a girl learn some routines with a baton so she can march with the school band. She's working 12 and 15 hour days. Dave is getting ready for the big move for the co-op to their new building. Brian is working hard, as usual, at his job in the call center.

WOW it has been a while

It's July 29, 2010. I have more days of being okay than days of not being okay. I am a different person than I was before April 28, 2007. Of course, I am. How can I not be. I was a wife looking to a bright future with Jerry. We were planning special things to do with the family and to do on our own. We were going to be happy and secure in our old age. Now I am a widow living pretty much from one pay to the next. So my retirement plans have changed. I didn't want to be 62 and still working. I am grateful that David and Brian live nearby and I am so much a part of their lives. What can I say about Tyler and Emily? They are my world. Two of the best kids you can find any where. I have made it through the summer without having to be in a hospital. First time since my surgery in 2007 so that has been great. Not going on vacation with Dave and Shan was a BUMMER and I hope not to do that again. I miss making memories for them, Tyler and Emily. I miss Shar and Bill a lot. They were so good when I was in the hospital for a month in Pittsburgh. Never missed a day to be with me. How special they are and how glad I am to have them. I am still taking a lot of medicine and am hoping when I go back to the doctor in September we can start getting me off some of them. I'll try and not wait so long to post, but since I have FaceBook I spend time on that and post things there, but here I can say more and get my feelings and thoughts out.