Such an epiphany

Unless you have been in a very dark place, wanting to pull the covers over your head and keep out the world none of this will make any sense to you. However, those of you that have had this experience will have an ahh ha moment. I will never forget the first time I was reading a book given to me by a therapist and in reading the book I was literally jumping off the page. There I was in black and white. Everything I felt, thought and feared was right there in front of me. This was my first epiphany - knowing you are not the only one going through this. There are others with similar experiences. How liberating that is. I have suffered from GAD for a long time. My first memory of it was when I had gone fishing with my dad, cousins and uncle. We parked the car and crossed some railroad tracks to get to the place we would fish from. My dad and uncle went back to the car to get the rest of the gear. In the time they were gone I convinced myself that a train was going to come along and derail. The train would roll down the embankment and kill us. I became so hysterical we had to leave - no fishing for us. I was 3 at the time. Since then there have more episodes than I can count. I fear 18 wheelers because I am afraid I will drive into them. I don't want to drive into to them, but I am so afraid the impulse will be stronger than I can control. Same with bridge embankments, Well, last night I spent several hours with a very dear friend who is having a difficult time - that is not the right word - she is on the very edge and is hanging by her finger nails. As we talked we realized how much we have in common. How we have felt and experienced similar things. Not all the same, but similar. How uplifting it was to talk to someone that understood exactly what you are feeling! I makes a huge difference knowing you are not alone out there and other people share your thoughts and phobias as well as your anxiety. Talking and writing help. They have helped me. However, I am a firm believer in if there is a medication that can help me bring it on. If I had cancer no one would question my treatment. No one would say WOW you take a lot of medicine or do you really need all that. They would just accept the fact that this is what I need to combat my cancer. Mental illness is no different. If there is medication out there that can help I am all for it. Let's get rid of the stigma on mental illness. Some of us just have our wires crossed. We didn't plan it, we don't like it, but there it is so we deal with it the best we can. It was so grand to tell someone about the screaming in my head and have them not only acknowledge it, but tell you they have the same thing! I take a lot of medicine. I take meds for my IBS, meds for my cholesterol, meds for my short circuit in my heart, meds for my allergies, meds for vitamin B-!2 since I lack the ability to absorb B12, I take a low dose aspirin every day plus my meds for my mental health. You're right. I take a lot of medication. So what?? It helps me function and maintain a normal a life as possible. No different than if I were on Chemo and all the stuff that goes with trying to beat a disease. So if this is what I need to keep body and mind functioning no one has the right to question my medicines or look down on me for taking them. I have no problem telling people what I take and why I take. If more people could do that the stigma of mental illness would go away and it would be no bigger a deal than a broken arm. So to my dear friend, I thank you for time well spent and look forward to our next time together. There is nothing as uplifting as laughing and crying with someone that knows what you are going through, they are there themselves. So thank you, my dear friend and I hope to see you soon. I love you and wish you the absolute best there is in this world for you!

Great Week end

I left Friday after school for Brian and Carla's. Julia was going to Hot Springs for a basketball tournament so I rode up with her. Usually when you go on a vacation it takes a few days to unwind. Let me tell you...as soon as I got to Brian and Carla's on Friday night I could feel the difference. They are right on the lake. It is so peaceful and quiet there. Saturday we got up and sat outside drinking tea in our pjs and talking. When we got dressed (some hours later) we met friends for lunch and then went to Books A Million. Spent several hours there. Carla was doing research on some pieces she has to sell so I found some books I had been wanting to read, so while she did her research I sat and began reading one of the books. It was wonderful. We left the book store and headed back to the RV. We were all just sitting around talking, I was doing some reading and then decided on dinner. Carla got out her electric skillet and plugged it into the outlet outside of the RV. Cut up some potatoes and onions, put them in the skillet with some oil and let them cook. We fired up the grill and did hamburgers, polish sausage, cut some tomatoes, lettuce and onions. When all was ready we sat at the picnic table and ate. It was wonderful! We cleaned up and then sat around some more watching the boats on the lake. Got up Sunday and the morning routine was the same as Saturday. The Directv guy came around 11 to hook them up. Once he was done, we loaded into the car and they brought me home. Oh one thing I forgot...at some point on Saturday Carla fired up the computer and when I say fired up I mean fired up. She plugged that puppy in and it started to smoke and flames started coming out of it. Needless to say one call to Dave confirmed we have fried the mother board. So off to Wal-Mart we went - she was wanting a lap top anyway. So..since she got the lap top they gave me their flat screen monitor and when Brian installed it on Sunday he straightened all my wiring under the computer desk and put slide ties around the cords. Now everything is neat and tidy! I could not get over how cute the RV was. Carla really has a flare for decorating and it seems she can decorate any space no matter how big or how small and make it look comfy and inviting. As you can tell I had a good time and look forward to going back! Thank you Brian and Carla for a great week end. Oh my gosh I almost forgot....I had been having trouble with my big toe. Thinking it was an ingrown toe nail I had worked with it and cut it, but could not get the pain to stop and I could lift the entire nail up from the skin so how could be ingrown? Well on Saturday I am telling this to Brian and Carla. Carla says let me see it. She takes one look and hauls out a huge steak knife, nail clippers, peroxide and a towel. Sits down on the floor of the RV and begins - I kid you not - to scrap my nail with this huge knife. Then she takes the clippers and begins to cut my nail. Seems that even if I can lift it the thing is still growing into my skin down the side of the nail. She completes the "operation" pours peroxide on it, puts on some neosporin, and a bandage. Low and behold the toe is doing great! No more pain, no more inflammation. Life is good again! Thank you Dr. Carla!

Short and sweet

This will be short and sweet. Not a lot happening. Not tutoring this year, thank heavens. That was just too much last year. Going to Brian and Carla's for the week end. Can't wait to spend some time in the RV. Should be interesting. I didn't think I would post my political views on here - not the place, but I am voting for McCain/Palin. I was raised a republican and Jerry also said when the republicans are in office it helps the government workers. So, since he was one I go with the party that brung me. Helped Tyler with some Advanced English homework tonight. It was great fun. I love Literacy - have since I was in high school. I was one of those that had a teacher that inspired me and I have loved the language ever since. Emily is doing Mini Cheer leading camp this week, which is also great fun. All the financial institutions failing is a huge concern, especially since I worked in the industry for 10 years. I'm sure in time it will right itself. We have lots of safe guards in place that we did not have when the stock market crashed in 1929. So I don't see a lot of people jumping out of windows! Thank heavens. On a lighter, stinker note, Junior has discovered a skunk living under my house. This is not good. He put some moth balls under the house - he says they hate the smell and it should drive her away. I think it is a her and she is looking for a place to have her babies. Well, not in my house, thank you very much! Oh the life of living in the country. Going to Brian and Carla's for the week end. Did I say that already? Tough to get old! Julia is going up for a basketball tournament and I am going to ride along with her and then come back with her on Sunday. I've started my Christmas catalog ordering so for me the season has started! Hope all is well with you.

Finally made the time to talk

I had a chance to spend some time and talk with the lady at school who lost her husband recently. We compared notes and found things we have in common and some things that are totally different in our experiences. Like I said no two deaths are the same. It was good talking with her and I hope I helped her some since I am further along in the grieving process than she is. I will make an effort to spend time with her. I'm sure it will help both of us. We both wish we didn't need to have these conversations, but the reality of it is, we do. So if you have any advice or ideas for us please send them along.

A new member of the club

Recently a lady I work with at school lost her husband unexpectedly. I see her every day in the halls. I have so many questions to ask her. How is she really doing? Not the usual response "I'm fine" that everyone wants to hear because they don't know how to deal with you and don't want to deal with you if you tell them how you really are. They want you to be fine. I think for some a person they know losing a spouse is much too close to home and as long as the person currently going through it is "fine" then they are too. Well, here's a news flash - we're not fine. We find ourselves in a "club" we don't want to be in, but there is no way out. We are here - not by our choice, but we are here to stay. I can remember when I went back to school after Jerry died someone at school making the comment of how strong I was. What a strong woman I must be. If they only knew. I was falling apart into a million pieces and I think that is how it is with the new member of the club. People see her at school every day doing her job, smile on her face and they think "Wow, how strong she is". Trust me. We are not strong. We are doing what we have to do. She stopped me in the hall today to tell me she thinks about me a lot. I told her I think about her every day and I sure would like to sit down and talk with her. She agreed that was a good idea. So, I am going to make it a point to find the time for us to do that. I think it helps to talk to someone that has gone through something similar to you - not the same - no death is the same. When I go back on Monday I am going to seek her out and get a time when she and I can get together and talk. Let our hair down as only people with our experience can do. I think it will be good for both of us. If I could wish for anything I would wish that no one else has to join our club. I know that's not realistic, but it is what I wish for. If I could spare just one person from this pain I would do it. I have good days now. I might even say the good days are more frequent than the bad ones, so maybe I am making progress. I still know I would give just about anything to get Jerry back. The missing him never goes away. Sometimes it's the little things - telling him something that happened at school. Something Shan told me. Something I saw Emily do. Sometimes it's the bigger things. Paying the bills. Having to make all the decisions yourself with no one to bounce them off and get someone else's point of view or advice. Someone to hug. You don't realize how important human touch is until it's gone. There are times when parts of me actually ache for his touch again. So I will sit and talk with this friend. I'm sure we will share our experiences and talked about the differences and maybe, just maybe help each other.

First day as CNA at school

Yesterday was my first day as CNA at school. The CNA that usually takes care of the student called off so Janet (my boss) called to let me know. I changed my clothes from what I was wearing to my scrubs and off I went. The day went well except for the weather. It POURED down rain ALL day and I had to take him in his wheelchair from one building to another several times during the day. I kept him covered with a blanket each time, but it was a challenge to keep him covered so he didn't get wet and get him and me where we needed to go. He's a sweet child, however, whatever they pay the CNA that usually takes care of him is not enough. He requires a lot of care and very soon he will be too heavy to lift out of the chair. I'm glad I have gotten the first day with him under my belt and feel much better about taking care of him when the need arises. How ironic that the first day I take care of him I received my official license in the mail! Pretty cool!