New Year

It's hard to believe another year is almost gone. It seems like yesterday we were in Disney World and now the year is over. We made it through another Christmas without Jerry. This one was harder for me than last year. I think because this year I realize he's not coming back. Last year I could still pretend he was in Iraq - there's no pretending now. What will the new year bring? Based on past experiences there will be some good things and some not so good things. If you don't experience some bad times then you don't know about the good times. My best friend lives in Pittsburgh and is going to have open heart surgery, probably in February. I talked to her today and she didn't sound like herself. She has so much going on in her life without facing surgery that I think this is all too much for her. Her mother-in-law is in a nursing home and my friend spends most of her time there. Her mother-in-law has a pacemaker and it has malfunctioned. It shocks her heart when she doesn't need it. They had to decide to have her operated on and have it replaced or have the device disconnected. The cardio surgeon didn't think an operation at her age would go well and he told them either way they would blame themselves. If they decided to have the operation and she didn't make it (which was the surgeon's opinion) they would feel guilty and if they didn't have the operation and something happens they will feel guilty. It's a no win situation. I will go to Pittsburgh when my friend has her surgery. If anything would happen to her and I didn't get to see her I would be devastated. So I will go and pray that things go well. When I talked to her we talked about the new year and she said she hoped that the coming year would be better than this one. I don't know. I think when you get to be our age all you can hope for is that the new year is not worse than this one. The only thing I really hope for is that my family and friends stay well and healthy. So for all of you Happy New Year. I love you all!

"Everything's a thing"

This is a quote my brother, Bill, is quite fond of, and is usually correct. Nothing is simple. Here was the plan....go to Texarkana to get a gift I needed. While there have Cee Cee groomed. Called PetSmart since they are right in the area and asked for an appointment for today. No problem they can do her at 4:30. So far so good...except they need to have a current rabies certificate, which I don't have. So call the vet and see if I can get a rabies shot for her on the way to Texarkana. Okay bring her in. I get her the shot and then off we go to Texarkana. Now, it being the week before Christmas traffic is crazier than usual and of course I miss the turn into PetSmart. So I turn around and go back only to almost miss it again and nearly get rear ended getting into the place. Get in, take her to the back, tell them how I want her and ask when I can pick her up I need to go to the mall and Target. It is now about 4:30. No problem they say. She will be ready at 7:00. Two and a half hours to groom her???? She's the only dog there. How can is possibly take that long. Well it just does. Okay, I'll go to the mall and then kill some time in Target. As I am pulling out to go to the mall I make a turn and hear this gosh awful sound coming from my left front tire. Now, for those that don't know, I already don't have heat in my car so this thing with the tire has me in a bit of a panic..okay it puts me in a lot of a panic. So I pull into a parking place thinking I have blown a tire. That is exactly what it sounded like. I ran over something and it popped my tire. I sit there trying to decide what to do. Can I change a tire?mmmm maybe. Should I call someone to help me? Who do I call? It is freezing out and raining. Okay, let me get out and look at the damage. Well low and behold I had run over a box with some Styrofoam packing in it and it was caught under my car and being dragged by my tire. So I stand in the cold and the rain fighting with this thing to get it out from under my car and away from my tire. That done I continue on to the mall. For some reason I think they have a Things Remembered there and I am looking for something to have engraved. No such luck. Things Remembered is gone. So..change of plans and look for something else. I find a few things I like and will work for the gift I need. So I get them and head off to Target. Did I tell you traffic is a nightmare, and I don't do well in the dark?? So I make it back to Target, get a cart and just start looking around. Now if you know me you know the first place I go is electronics for Tyler and then toys for Emily. I find somethings that catch my fancy, but I don't know if someone has already gotten them. So I call Dave and Shan's house. Not home...okay call Shan's cell...no answer..okay call Dave's cell..no answer so I am on my own. Finish up in Target and head back to get Cee Cee. Now they have cut her a little shorter than I wanted (it is winter, freezing and raining out) so I buy her a coat since it is so cold out and I don't have heat in my car. I don't even what to tell ya what my bill in PetSmart was. Suffice to say I won't be going there again. Finally we are on the road home when my cell rings. It's Shan. Hey ya called. Yeah where are you? Just coming out of Tyler's basketball game. Oh crap!!! I missed his game. I missed the last one and I promised him I would not miss this one. He even made me repeat the date so I would remember. Did I???? NO!!!! So now I feel like a crummy grandma. I know this is all me and I complicate things more than they need to be. I'm sure there is an easy answer to all this. I need to stop running around with ten thousand things in my head and concentrate on one at a time since that seems to be all I can handle these days. I hate getting old. I used to be able to remember many things and do them all. Now I can't even remember my favorite grandson has a game! Honestly I think it was easier before because I had Jerry to help me keep track of things and now I don't have him. I seem to be saying to myself "If I just get through this, I can go on to the next thing and then if I just can get through that I can go on to the next thing, and then if I can get through that.....and on and on it goes. And since I am whining so much here's one more. I have had this ache in my left shoulder blade for three days now. It is sapping what strength I have and taking up half of my thought process. I know...I know...call the doc. See what it is. If I can just get through this I will call him and on it goes.......

A first

I have been reading the Twilight books and so decided I wanted to see the movie. Tyler was going with me, but it really is a chick flick so I didn't make him. I went by myself. A first. I don't think I have every gone to a movie alone. It was okay. I enjoyed the movie (not as good as the book, but they never are). However, if some day you find I have disappeared know that I am happy and with Edward. You'll have to read the book to understand. But I was actually feeling pretty good about myself. I kinda saw this a a step forward. Going by myself. And since my monitor went out on Tuesday and I was in Texarkana I went to Best Buy and got me a new one. Funny how we get so dependent on technology that not have a monitor for a few days made me feel like I was out of touch with the world. So I got me a big ol' 22 incher. I could watch TV on this thing. And the blower went out on my car - so no heat. Going to have that looked at on Monday! Like my brother says...Everything's a thing! Thank you Dave for hooking up the monitor. Two more week to Christmas. This one seems harder for me than the last one. Don't know why. I just can't get my mind wrapped around the whole thing. I always have my cards done by now, and the boxes mailed to Pittsburgh. The boxes are ready, but I have no drive to get them mailed, or to do the cards. Maybe because last year was so new and I was still pretending Jerry was coming back and this year I know he is not. I'll let the shrink figure that one out!

And God said "Let there be light" and there was

NOT!!!! Well not on my deck anyway! Okay - short story. This started on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. My motion light on the deck had gone out. Well, actually it stayed on all the time and then finally just went out Dave came to look at it. New lights, says he. Off to the store I go for new lights. Ahhh not the problem. So off to the store I go to get another unit. This time instead of a motion detector I chose a dusk to dawn one. Dave comes up, hooks it up...no light. Junior comes over and fools with it..no light. Finally I tell Dave just screw into the wall so I don't look like trailer trash with my light hanging off. Which he does. Well low and behold doesn't the darn thing come on that night all by itself! Just like it should. At dawn off it goes. Great don't know what the heck the problem is, who cares?it's working. Thanksgiving night works again. Just like it should. Comes on at dusk and off at dawn. And there folks ends my story. The light is no longer coming on. Two nights..it worked for two nights. I'm beginning to think something is afoot err alight. Anyway, I am looking for helpful suggestions. I like having my deck light. It gives me a sense of security - I know - I can hear ya'll now....You never even lock your doors and yet not having a deck light throws you into a panic! The answer to that would be a resounding YES!! Don't even try to figure it out. Greater minds than yours have tried and failed. We each have our own little quirks - okay so I have way more than most - but not having a deck light is definitely at the top of the list - at least for this moment it is. HELP!

Yes, Virginia, there is a God

I know the line from the movie is "Yes, Virgina, there is a Santa Clause". But I am taking a little literary license here and changing the wording. I have known for some time that blessings sent out are given back many times over. I know, for instance, that when I give to the church offering, especially when things are tight and I give any way, sometime very soon it will come back to me. Well, recently I learned from a friend in Pittsburgh, really he was one of Jerry's best friends, that a former member of the military was suing John Murtha, the Senator from Pennsylvania, who is a loud mouth blow hard anyway. Seem these 4 men were wrongly accused of some atrocities in Iraq and found Innocent. Did this stop Murtha from defaming them? Of course not. Shades of North Carolina and the Duke Lacrosse players. Any way, Jerry's friend sends me the email address of Justin Sharrat, who lives in Cannonsburg, PA and whom Murtha has taken a personal interest in attacking. Thus ensues a law suit against Murtha for defamation among other things. Some people just don't know when to shut the duck up! So I go to the web site for Justin and they are asking for help in any way that can be provided. Now, I will grant you, I am no champion of Murtha's so this is a pretty easy call for me. So even though things a tight I write a letter to Justine and send a donation to his defense fund. Not much, but the best I could do. A little time passes and I get a letter from Justin's family. It is a form letter that they obviously send to all donors, but hand written on the bottom of the letter is a personal note to me from Justin's mom. That small personal note meant more to me than words can express. Does God stop there, no - a few days later I get a check in the mail from my cancer insurance policy because I had been paying for Jerry on the policy and since he had died and was no longer on the policy they sent me all the back premiums I had paid for him. Is God done yet? Nope. A few days after that I get a check from the state of Arkansas that I had over paid my taxes and they were sending me a refund. I am blessed with so many wonderful things in my life. The best family in the world, great friends, a wonderful job that I love, and the sweetest grandkids in the entire world. A person can not ask for more than that, and yet God just keeps giving. I don't understand the wanting to take God out of everything. No prayer in school, In God We Trust off of our money, taking "under God" out of the pledge. When did the rights of so few become more important than the rights of so many? The founding fathers knew how important God was to "the people" and yet some choose to ignore that or slant the writings their way. I don't understand it, but it scares for my grandkids growing up. How can you walk through this life, lose someone very special to you and not go crazy thinking you will never see then again. The one thing that has kept with any resemblance of sanity (and there are those that will question that statement) is knowing I will see Jerry again some day. If I thought for one minute that I would never see him again I truly would go out of my mind. So please, enjoy your Christmas, but more importantly, enjoy and praise your God. Wishing all a Happy Thanksgiving and a very Merry Christmas. I love you more than there are words to tell you - Mom/Darlene/Mimi/ and for Paw Darla and for Kensley Bob. I have to add a PS here - Shan I am so proud of you and what you have accomplished. I thought you looked great all the time, but I know how much better you feel so a big Way To Go Girl! And to Paw who asked me today if I was down in the dumps. You have to know Paw to know how special those words from him were. Thank you, Paw, and I love you, too!

Santa Clause is coming to town

Okay, the holiday blues have gone away. I did some wrapping of presents tonight and I feel very Christmasy (is that a word). Anyway, I am thinking of putting my tree up on Wednesday. We usually wait until Friday, but I think I want to put it up a few days early - the longer to enjoy it my fine pretty. I think that's a line from some nursery rhyme or movie - oh no I know - it's from the Wizard of Oz. It's what the witch says to Dorothy. "I'll get you yet, my fine pretty". I was reading Dave's blog and getting a huge kick out of the Pittsburghese. What memories hearing those "words" brings back. We sure have a funny way of talking in Pittsburgh. Of course, none of us realized it until we moved away and people began to look at us strangely when we talked. I can remember working in Denver and the girls in the office would spell words and then ask me to say them just so they could hear me pronounce them funny. They all got quite a big kick out of my pronunciations. We never said the long i in words like fire or the o in shower - so we would say flour and flower the same way we said shower. You had to listen to whole sentence to make sure what we were talking about. Flour for baking or flower for the garden. Well, yinz all take care now!

Holiday Blues

Well, the holiday blues have set in. I knew it was coming for a week or so now, but today it came full blown. I know I'll make it and things will be okay when I come out the other side, but right now it's hard to imagine it. I have most of the shopping done and need to get to the wrapping part, but for some reason I have no want to. Ya know when you want to do something and then the times when you don't want to do something. Well, my want to hasn't arrived yet. And I am bone weary and feeling very guilty because I missed Tyler's basketball game tonight. What kind of Mimi am I. So wrapped in my own sadness I can't see beyond my nose. I know people will say I just need to snap out of it it and pull myself together. To those I say - walk in my shoes and then say that. I know if things were reversed and it was Jerry that was left behind he would have been sad for a while and then moved on. I am not him. I think women and men see death of a spouse differently. Maybe it's because I loved him more than he loved me. That's okay. I always knew it and just accepted it, so yes, there would be a difference in his reaction to my death. There should be some class or book or something to prepare you for the loss of a spouse. I know everyone is different, but surely there is something out there that sorta fits the circumstance and can give some enlightenment. I just know I'm tired. Tired of being lonely - not alone. I am not alone. I have a wonderful family and the best grandkids in the entire world, but the lonely comes from not having some one to come home to, not having a heart to share things with. I haven't figured out how to go from 20 years with my parents and then 38 years with Jerry to suddenly no one. Not living with any one. I'm having a very hard time with that. I'm having a hard time with being the one and only one responsible for everything. Getting things fixed, making sure the bills are paid, getting the food, putting it away, doing the laundry, cleaning the house. Doing the Christmas shopping, the wrapping and the decorating. Jerry always helped with the decorating. It was the one thing he liked, he was like a big kid doing it. I know this is all just a big self pity party, but I think sometimes you need them. I just know I am sad, lonely, and tired to the very core of my bones. My apologies for bringing you down, if you are reading this. But I really do this more for myself than anyone else and I am hoping by getting it out in writing it will change my perspective and lighten things up some. I know I am rambling. I hope it helps me. God knows I need it. Keep good thoughts! To all my family...I love you more than life itself!!!

Never hesitate to help for a good cause

A very good friend of Jerry's, Ed Tech, emails me on a regular bases. Always checking in on me and making sure I'm okay. He also sends me really interesting things to read. The other day he sent me an article about a marine that was acquitted on a murder charge over in Iraq. However, John Murtha, the Senator from Pennsylvania has said some very nasty things about this young man. Things that amount to slander. So the marine is suing Murtha. There is a fund set up to help with his lawsuit. You can email him, send him good wishes or even donate to his fund. Well, knowing Ed Tech like I do and hating John Murtha like I do, it was a no brainer to send Justin $100 for his fund. So I did. Did I really have the $100 to send? No, not really, but I felt it was important for me to do even if it meant I would go without something for a while. I expected nothing in return, just wanting to help in any way I could and $100.00 was the most I could muster at this time. Well low and behold in the mail today I get a check from my cancer policy because I have been paying the family rate and since Jerry has died I now pay the individual rate. So they returned all the money I paid for the family plan from the time Jerry died until now. $181.00. Wasn't expecting it, didn't know it was coming. But it certainly re-enforces my believe that a good deed will be rewarded in some way. Maybe not the way you expect or in the time you expect, but it will be. So if you get the chance to do something good for some one do it. Expect nothing in return, just the good feeling of helping some one and you never know when your good deed will come back to you! What a wonderful world if we all did this! Justin's email address is www.justinsharratt.com and for donations Justin Sharratt, fund for Justin, PO Box 44, Cannonsburg, PA 15317-0044. Thank you all. We are free because of the brave and Justin is certainly one of those!

A camping I did go

Well, I spent the week end with Brian and Carla at their lake front property in the RV. Cooler this time than last so we didn't do a lot of sitting out side. Saturday night Brian did build a fire and we roasted hot dogs and marshmallows YUMMMMMMM. I took a book that my friend Julia had given me so I did read a little. We did some shopping - okay no I did some shopping, Carla just looked around. But, I did get a few things for Christmas so that was good. Saw my drug dealer on Monday and he changed my meds. Not new ones, just the milligram and how often to take them. (okay if you're new to this blog my drug dealer is really a doctor and a nice one at that!). I can't believe one more week and then Thanksgiving! Then about three more weeks and out for Christmas! Where does the time go??? Emily is off at gymnastics and I told her I would come down when she gets home so she can show me her cartwheels! Tyler rode home with me from school. I really like it when he can come home with me. It is nice to come home with someone instead of coming in the house alone! This is an especially hard time for me, November is the month my dad died from an automobile accident, the holidays are coming for the third time without Jerry (second since he died, but he left for Houston before the holidays in 2006), and my mom died in January - so things will be rough for a while. I'll try to keep busy and get some Christmas spirit! So if I don't get a chance - Happy Thanksgiving to all. Tell your family and friends you love them and be ever so thankful to have them!

Okay - maybe my brother wasn't adopted

My brother, Bill, called me tonight to make sure I was okay. He knew how much of a McCain supporter I am. We talked for over an hour about several things. Of course the election was the big topic. Bill was thoughtful, concerned, and funny. He always makes me laugh and I always feel better after I talk to him. So I'm thinking maybe he wasn't adopted after all. As we talked I could hear our mother saying the same things he was saying. My mother didn't play - she spoke her mind no matter what, but she was also one of the most accepting individuals I knew. She never saw color, religion, or status of anyone. She treated everyone the same - which some of the time was not so great, at least with us kids. Bill and I talked tonight about a lady Mom worked with. Her name was Kix. She was black and worked as a cook where our mother worked as a waitress. There were many times when Mom would ride Kix home from work, now take into account this was probably 50 years ago and things were very different then. Any way, the first time she offered Kix a ride home Kix asked Mom if she should ride in the back. Our mom looked at her like she was crazy. Why in the world would she ride in the back when there was a perfectly good seat in the front and it was just Mom and Kix in the car. Kix felt that her status was lower than Mom's and didn't want to seem "uppity" as they used to say. Mom would have none of it. Kix was riding in the front with her and that was all there was to it. She always gave ya a fair shot. Now if you screwed up that was the end of you as far as she was concerned. Mom went 5 years without talking to our aunt that lived right next door to us. All over an argument they had about my cousin and me. My cousin and I had gotten into a fight about some dumb thing. My mom thought I was right and my aunt thought my cousin was right. Well that was the end of the conversation between the two of them for the next 5 years. It would have gone on longer, but my aunt came to the back door one day, opened it and threw in a hat. There was an old saying back then that if you had a fight with someone and threw your hat in their house and the hat didn't come back out then it was okay to go in and the fight was over. And so the fight was over. Mom didn't through the hat back. But that was the kind of person Mom was and I think there is a lot of her in my brother. So since I am the kind of person that will tell you how the watch is made if you ask me the time, I have taken all these words to say Bill is not adopted, he is really my brother and I love him.

SHHHH I think my brother was adopted!!!

Since the primaries were decided and it was going to McCain and Obama my brother and I have been inundating one another with our points of view. Which to my surprise are total opposites. And just to set the record straight I really inundate him and he simply replies. But in reading his reply I can just see his blood boiling and him pounding away on that key board. He is an Obama man and I am solidly for McCain. So to say we have had some heated emails flying back and forth is putting it mildly. I don't know where he came up with some of his ideas, he wasn't raised that way so the only thing I can figure is he was adopted and this was instilled in him before he came to live with us. I'm not like him, my sister is not like him, my mother and father were certainly not like him so he must have been adopted. That is the only explanation there can possible be for him to be so 180 degrees from the rest of the family. So my quest now is to hunt down - err I mean find his natural parents and bury them up to their heads in sand. I don't know what else to do. I have to save my brother. I may be too late for this election, but hopefully I can find his parents and get this fixed before the next election - if we live that long and if there is a country left for us to fight for. So I need all my readers help. Go out to all the voting places. Find the people that are voting for Obama and ask them if they gave a boy child up for adoption 50 years age. Then turn them over to the authorities for child abuse. Because what they did to my brother should be against the law. I thank you all in advance for all the help I know I will receive from you. I need to stop my real parents and grandparents from spinning in their graves, because trust me they are!!! Love to all and Go McCain!!!

I miss you, Dad

It is 10 years ago today that we buried my dad. He was coming home from the nursing home after spending the day with Mom. He thought he could make it and pulled out in front of a truck. He was wrong. The truck T-Boned his car. He lived in ICU for one week. The night he died we were all there. Bill, Patty, Shari, Nick, Jerry and I. I will tell you it was one of the worst nights of my life, but I would not change it for anything in the world. Once we decided to stop all the heroic attempts I got to stand at his beside and talk in his ear until the end came. I got to say all the things you wish you could say to a person that dies and you're not there, He was the kindest, most gentle man there ever was. I miss him as much today as I did back then. I love you, Dad, and wherever you are I hope you are happier than you ever were. I hope there is no pain or sorrow. Only happiness and joy and you and Mum are together again! I love you, Dad, and always will with every breath I take and every beat of my heart. - Darlene

Finally - maybe a little good news

Those of you that ready my blog know that my best friend's daughter had discovered many lumps under her arm. We were so afraid it was cancer. Turns out the doctor think she has contracted STAPH infection - MRSA. Which is very hard to cure and will take massive amounts of high power antibiotics. So was have some peace of mind there. And you all know the election is only a few days away. I have early voted and I don't mind telling people it was McCain I voted for. My brother and I have had some interesting conversations about this election. He's an Obama guy. I have found there are a few people for Obama that I would have bet money on they would be McCain supports. Goes to show ya, you don't always know people like you think you do. Especially in politics. Well, my Emily had a big week. The had PC the patrol car for a drug awareness program for the kids, in the Honor Roll she got every award they had, making the honor roll, good citizen, and making her goal for reading!. Then on Friday the kids got to see all the teachers that had dressed up for Halloween, and finally she went in a huge limo for a ride to Pizza Hut for lunch for selling 20 items during a fund raiser. The girl is busy! And now that Halloween is over you all know - sorry to say it - Christmas will be before we know it. My best friend, Dorothy is going to have her open heart surgery after the holidays so I will be heading North then. Keep her and our country in your prayers. I hope we are going in the right direction.

It was a tough week end

October 19th would have been Jerry and my 40th anniversary. I think that's a big deal. When you get married you expect to be together for the 40th. anniversary. Maybe not the 50th., but definitely the 40th. So it was kind of a rough week end. No one mentioned it - I don't know if they forgot or if they thought it would upset me to say anything. I'm leaning toward the not wanting to upset me. I know Shan pretty well and she doesn't forget anything. But it is nice to have some one acknowledge that day and let you know they know it's probably a tough day for you. I talked to my best friend, Dorothy, and she is having open heart surgery after the holidays so I will be going to Pittsburgh to be there for her surgery. She also told me her daughter, Dawn, found a lump under her arm. They have done a scan and found three other lumps. They did a biopsy on them and she won't know for about 5 days if they are malignant or not. It is scary though. They tried antibiotics and that didn't do anything so they don't think it's an infection. Please keep her in your prayers. After reading Dave's blog I felt a little guilty for not posting for a few days. Problem is sometimes there is not much going on and so not much to blog about. I think that means I am doing better as far as the grieving goes. The blog has become more of what I do in my life as opposed to how I am feeling since Jerry died. Do I miss him? You bet. Am I lonely? You bet. But I have moved past the just wanting to stay in bed and sleep. Saturdays are still hard for me, but not nearly as bad as they were. So forgive me if I don't post every day. It's not that I don't have the time...it's just sometimes I don't have anything worth writing. I have no idea how many people read my blog. I know of a few...Dave, Shan, Shari, and Michelle for sure, but others I don't know. So I mainly do this for me, not only to get things written, but sometimes to just let the people I know read my blog how I'm doing - what I'm doing and that I love them all very much!

It's official

You know walking around thinking you're crazy is a huge burden, finally got to the doc today and had it verified! Thank heavens I really am crazy. What a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Now I have a professional's okay to keep doing all the things I've been doing! WHEW! I was really worried that I would have to learn how to act normal - now I don't. So yea for me! Just keep those drugs a comin'. I highly recommend crazy to any of you out there that might be thinking of joining me. It truly is a great place to be. So, I think I will go do something wild and crazy just for the heck of it and because I can!!! Take care ya'all. And check out the new pics Dave downloaded for me!!!

It's been a while

I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted.Brian and Carla are doing well in the RV. They love it and said it seems like they are on vacation every day. Went to the Gastro guy on Thursday. Changed my meds. I feel better, but the new meds don't seem to be doing what they should soooo have to wait and see. Tyler stayed with me last night while Dave, Shan and Emily went to Wal-Mart - he usually does - I love hanging out with him and talking. Like most 13 year olds he doesn't have much to say, but last night he was chatty and we talked for a while. When Dave and Brian were young we had some great dinner conversations. Nothing was ever out of bounds for us. We talked about anything and everything. I miss those times so it was great talking to Tyler last night. I hope I'm around long enough to get to have that kind of time with Emily. Today went and had my eyes checked - it's been 5 years - so needless to say my eyes have changed. So went and picked out new glasses. While that was being done I went to Wal-Mart for groceries, then back to get glasses. Stopped in Hope for a car wash, gas, and a new battery for my watch. Back in Prescott stopped at the Sonic and got lunch for Shan, Dave, and me. The kids were up town with Kay at the Fall Festival. Hung out at Dave and Shan's for a while, came home, put the groceries away, cleaned the house (well, really gave it a quick once over) did some laundry, talked to Dorothy, watched all the shows I tape during the week - no commercials that way LOVE IT!!!, took a shower, and here I am. Just typing all that makes my tired! Got a really nice card from Bill and Patty today. They sent me a check to help pay for my plane ticket when I go to Pittsburgh for Dorothy's open heart surgery sometime late this month or early next. That was sweet of them, but I know Bill has taken a huge hit on his 401K with all this money stuff going on and really doesn't need to be sending me money. I called and left them a message telling them that, but I love them for the thought! Great to have such a wonderful family here and there!!! I love you all. So that's it for now. Haven't been to therapy in about 2 months. Think I will call her and see when I can get in, just to check in and make sure I'm still crazy. I know I am I just like to have it verified by a professional, if ya know what I mean!

Such an epiphany

Unless you have been in a very dark place, wanting to pull the covers over your head and keep out the world none of this will make any sense to you. However, those of you that have had this experience will have an ahh ha moment. I will never forget the first time I was reading a book given to me by a therapist and in reading the book I was literally jumping off the page. There I was in black and white. Everything I felt, thought and feared was right there in front of me. This was my first epiphany - knowing you are not the only one going through this. There are others with similar experiences. How liberating that is. I have suffered from GAD for a long time. My first memory of it was when I had gone fishing with my dad, cousins and uncle. We parked the car and crossed some railroad tracks to get to the place we would fish from. My dad and uncle went back to the car to get the rest of the gear. In the time they were gone I convinced myself that a train was going to come along and derail. The train would roll down the embankment and kill us. I became so hysterical we had to leave - no fishing for us. I was 3 at the time. Since then there have more episodes than I can count. I fear 18 wheelers because I am afraid I will drive into them. I don't want to drive into to them, but I am so afraid the impulse will be stronger than I can control. Same with bridge embankments, Well, last night I spent several hours with a very dear friend who is having a difficult time - that is not the right word - she is on the very edge and is hanging by her finger nails. As we talked we realized how much we have in common. How we have felt and experienced similar things. Not all the same, but similar. How uplifting it was to talk to someone that understood exactly what you are feeling! I makes a huge difference knowing you are not alone out there and other people share your thoughts and phobias as well as your anxiety. Talking and writing help. They have helped me. However, I am a firm believer in if there is a medication that can help me bring it on. If I had cancer no one would question my treatment. No one would say WOW you take a lot of medicine or do you really need all that. They would just accept the fact that this is what I need to combat my cancer. Mental illness is no different. If there is medication out there that can help I am all for it. Let's get rid of the stigma on mental illness. Some of us just have our wires crossed. We didn't plan it, we don't like it, but there it is so we deal with it the best we can. It was so grand to tell someone about the screaming in my head and have them not only acknowledge it, but tell you they have the same thing! I take a lot of medicine. I take meds for my IBS, meds for my cholesterol, meds for my short circuit in my heart, meds for my allergies, meds for vitamin B-!2 since I lack the ability to absorb B12, I take a low dose aspirin every day plus my meds for my mental health. You're right. I take a lot of medication. So what?? It helps me function and maintain a normal a life as possible. No different than if I were on Chemo and all the stuff that goes with trying to beat a disease. So if this is what I need to keep body and mind functioning no one has the right to question my medicines or look down on me for taking them. I have no problem telling people what I take and why I take. If more people could do that the stigma of mental illness would go away and it would be no bigger a deal than a broken arm. So to my dear friend, I thank you for time well spent and look forward to our next time together. There is nothing as uplifting as laughing and crying with someone that knows what you are going through, they are there themselves. So thank you, my dear friend and I hope to see you soon. I love you and wish you the absolute best there is in this world for you!

Great Week end

I left Friday after school for Brian and Carla's. Julia was going to Hot Springs for a basketball tournament so I rode up with her. Usually when you go on a vacation it takes a few days to unwind. Let me tell you...as soon as I got to Brian and Carla's on Friday night I could feel the difference. They are right on the lake. It is so peaceful and quiet there. Saturday we got up and sat outside drinking tea in our pjs and talking. When we got dressed (some hours later) we met friends for lunch and then went to Books A Million. Spent several hours there. Carla was doing research on some pieces she has to sell so I found some books I had been wanting to read, so while she did her research I sat and began reading one of the books. It was wonderful. We left the book store and headed back to the RV. We were all just sitting around talking, I was doing some reading and then decided on dinner. Carla got out her electric skillet and plugged it into the outlet outside of the RV. Cut up some potatoes and onions, put them in the skillet with some oil and let them cook. We fired up the grill and did hamburgers, polish sausage, cut some tomatoes, lettuce and onions. When all was ready we sat at the picnic table and ate. It was wonderful! We cleaned up and then sat around some more watching the boats on the lake. Got up Sunday and the morning routine was the same as Saturday. The Directv guy came around 11 to hook them up. Once he was done, we loaded into the car and they brought me home. Oh one thing I forgot...at some point on Saturday Carla fired up the computer and when I say fired up I mean fired up. She plugged that puppy in and it started to smoke and flames started coming out of it. Needless to say one call to Dave confirmed we have fried the mother board. So off to Wal-Mart we went - she was wanting a lap top anyway. So..since she got the lap top they gave me their flat screen monitor and when Brian installed it on Sunday he straightened all my wiring under the computer desk and put slide ties around the cords. Now everything is neat and tidy! I could not get over how cute the RV was. Carla really has a flare for decorating and it seems she can decorate any space no matter how big or how small and make it look comfy and inviting. As you can tell I had a good time and look forward to going back! Thank you Brian and Carla for a great week end. Oh my gosh I almost forgot....I had been having trouble with my big toe. Thinking it was an ingrown toe nail I had worked with it and cut it, but could not get the pain to stop and I could lift the entire nail up from the skin so how could be ingrown? Well on Saturday I am telling this to Brian and Carla. Carla says let me see it. She takes one look and hauls out a huge steak knife, nail clippers, peroxide and a towel. Sits down on the floor of the RV and begins - I kid you not - to scrap my nail with this huge knife. Then she takes the clippers and begins to cut my nail. Seems that even if I can lift it the thing is still growing into my skin down the side of the nail. She completes the "operation" pours peroxide on it, puts on some neosporin, and a bandage. Low and behold the toe is doing great! No more pain, no more inflammation. Life is good again! Thank you Dr. Carla!

Short and sweet

This will be short and sweet. Not a lot happening. Not tutoring this year, thank heavens. That was just too much last year. Going to Brian and Carla's for the week end. Can't wait to spend some time in the RV. Should be interesting. I didn't think I would post my political views on here - not the place, but I am voting for McCain/Palin. I was raised a republican and Jerry also said when the republicans are in office it helps the government workers. So, since he was one I go with the party that brung me. Helped Tyler with some Advanced English homework tonight. It was great fun. I love Literacy - have since I was in high school. I was one of those that had a teacher that inspired me and I have loved the language ever since. Emily is doing Mini Cheer leading camp this week, which is also great fun. All the financial institutions failing is a huge concern, especially since I worked in the industry for 10 years. I'm sure in time it will right itself. We have lots of safe guards in place that we did not have when the stock market crashed in 1929. So I don't see a lot of people jumping out of windows! Thank heavens. On a lighter, stinker note, Junior has discovered a skunk living under my house. This is not good. He put some moth balls under the house - he says they hate the smell and it should drive her away. I think it is a her and she is looking for a place to have her babies. Well, not in my house, thank you very much! Oh the life of living in the country. Going to Brian and Carla's for the week end. Did I say that already? Tough to get old! Julia is going up for a basketball tournament and I am going to ride along with her and then come back with her on Sunday. I've started my Christmas catalog ordering so for me the season has started! Hope all is well with you.

Finally made the time to talk

I had a chance to spend some time and talk with the lady at school who lost her husband recently. We compared notes and found things we have in common and some things that are totally different in our experiences. Like I said no two deaths are the same. It was good talking with her and I hope I helped her some since I am further along in the grieving process than she is. I will make an effort to spend time with her. I'm sure it will help both of us. We both wish we didn't need to have these conversations, but the reality of it is, we do. So if you have any advice or ideas for us please send them along.

A new member of the club

Recently a lady I work with at school lost her husband unexpectedly. I see her every day in the halls. I have so many questions to ask her. How is she really doing? Not the usual response "I'm fine" that everyone wants to hear because they don't know how to deal with you and don't want to deal with you if you tell them how you really are. They want you to be fine. I think for some a person they know losing a spouse is much too close to home and as long as the person currently going through it is "fine" then they are too. Well, here's a news flash - we're not fine. We find ourselves in a "club" we don't want to be in, but there is no way out. We are here - not by our choice, but we are here to stay. I can remember when I went back to school after Jerry died someone at school making the comment of how strong I was. What a strong woman I must be. If they only knew. I was falling apart into a million pieces and I think that is how it is with the new member of the club. People see her at school every day doing her job, smile on her face and they think "Wow, how strong she is". Trust me. We are not strong. We are doing what we have to do. She stopped me in the hall today to tell me she thinks about me a lot. I told her I think about her every day and I sure would like to sit down and talk with her. She agreed that was a good idea. So, I am going to make it a point to find the time for us to do that. I think it helps to talk to someone that has gone through something similar to you - not the same - no death is the same. When I go back on Monday I am going to seek her out and get a time when she and I can get together and talk. Let our hair down as only people with our experience can do. I think it will be good for both of us. If I could wish for anything I would wish that no one else has to join our club. I know that's not realistic, but it is what I wish for. If I could spare just one person from this pain I would do it. I have good days now. I might even say the good days are more frequent than the bad ones, so maybe I am making progress. I still know I would give just about anything to get Jerry back. The missing him never goes away. Sometimes it's the little things - telling him something that happened at school. Something Shan told me. Something I saw Emily do. Sometimes it's the bigger things. Paying the bills. Having to make all the decisions yourself with no one to bounce them off and get someone else's point of view or advice. Someone to hug. You don't realize how important human touch is until it's gone. There are times when parts of me actually ache for his touch again. So I will sit and talk with this friend. I'm sure we will share our experiences and talked about the differences and maybe, just maybe help each other.

First day as CNA at school

Yesterday was my first day as CNA at school. The CNA that usually takes care of the student called off so Janet (my boss) called to let me know. I changed my clothes from what I was wearing to my scrubs and off I went. The day went well except for the weather. It POURED down rain ALL day and I had to take him in his wheelchair from one building to another several times during the day. I kept him covered with a blanket each time, but it was a challenge to keep him covered so he didn't get wet and get him and me where we needed to go. He's a sweet child, however, whatever they pay the CNA that usually takes care of him is not enough. He requires a lot of care and very soon he will be too heavy to lift out of the chair. I'm glad I have gotten the first day with him under my belt and feel much better about taking care of him when the need arises. How ironic that the first day I take care of him I received my official license in the mail! Pretty cool!

3 cheers for our truck drive, our truck drive, our truck driver

3 cheers for our truck driver. He's with us today! If you have been reading my blog you know that Brian and Carla are buying Dave and Shan's camper. Well on Saturday Dave hooked the camper up to his truck and off we went. Dave has only pulled the camper 4 times before and NEVER on the interstate. Now, there were times when he told us, afterwards, of some scary moments. Like when a truck passes it sucks the camper over to the fast line into the truck!. I, sitting in the back, was quite unaware of any of these problems and thought things were going very smoothly. But, Dave handled it like a Pro and we made it to the site. Set up - different matter. All the other times Dave has just pulled straight into the space and unhooked the camper. Not so lucky this time. This one was a back in. Do you know how confusing it is to turn the steering wheel the opposite way you want the camper to go? Add to that lots of trees and two huge rocks in the way. After more attempts than I care to remember finally the camper was in place! It is all set up. Brian and Carla are happy little campers - no pun intended - and I want to give a big cheer to our truck drive. He did a great job and I am very proud of him!! So, if ya need your camper backed into a spot Dave's your man! Great job, Dave. Your mom loves you!!!

It's Offical

Got home from school today and there was a message from my CNA instructor congratulating me on passing my test. I felt pretty sure I had cause when I finished the test the monitor was very positive and said I did fine, but ya never really know until it's official - well it is! So I should be getting my license in the mail soon. Now to decide what to do with it. Do I want to work a few hours in the nursing home or do I want to drive to Hope and work in the hospital. I prefer the hospital I just don't know if it's worth the drive. It's not like I will be doing it 5 days a week and the nursing homes work 8 hour shifts where the hospitals work 12 hours. Just something else to think about. At least it keeps me busy!

I'm in with the IN crowd!

I don't know if I have mentioned this before, but the week end we came back from Little Rock my TV broke - picture tube gone. So since then I have been watching a small 13 inch I have in the back room until I could enough money to buy a new one. Well, Brian called to say he and Carla are coming down this week end to clean the camper they are buying from Dave AND since it won't fit in the camper they are giving me their big screen TV. How great is that!!! I told ya I have great kids!!!

My heart is with the State Board

Went to the cardio doc and I have a short circuit in my electrical wiring. For some reason at times instead of the electrical impulse doing what it should it gets stuck in a loop and that causes my heart rate to go from 70 to 95. So I am taking medication and hopefully that will take care of it. Doc has a partner that specializes in the electrical heart stuff and he will be calling me - hooray. I've been trying to take less pills and now I have a new one to take. Oh well, part of old age I guess! Did my State Board today and passed! The lady was much nicer this time - in fact she told our instructor, Judy, that she was too hard on us the first time. Of course things were not organized so there was a lot of running around looking for things! I had to do teeth brushing, blood pressure, and walking with a gait belt. I took my time and thought everything through before I said I was done with the skill so that helped. I had some much adrenaline going that I tightened the valve on the blood pressure cuff so tight I could not loosen it when I was trying to get a reading. So I had to stop and start again, but the monitor said that it will come with practice and it was no big deal! Yea!!! Only other thing going on is Brian and Carla are going to buy Dave's camper. So that helps him and them! They bought Jerry's car when he died and it has worked out great for me. Thank heavens for great kids! and I sure have two great ones!!

one down one hundred eighty nine to go

First day of school! It went very well. I think since Jill and I know what to expect and Jill knew what materials to order for us for the year they are going to make a huge difference. The kids seem great and Jill and I are much more relaxed this year and I think that will reflect on the kids. I am trying very hard to not give too much help so Jill can ascertain exactly what they know and what they need help in. Coming home today was much easier than it was this time last year so all my supporters were right. It does get a little easier with time. I know there will be things I want to share with Jerry - like how well today went and how good I feel about the year - and that makes it hard not having him here. I go to the cardio doc tomorrow for the results of all my tests. I am not expecting any problems so my being radioactive may have been for naught. But better safe than sorry I guess. Dave won a "gift bag" from some tech thing and in the bag is the neatest print of Terry Bradshaw - which means nothing except to us Pittsburgh people. Tyler and Emily both seemed to have good first days. I pray with everything I have it continues. Especially for my Tyler. So if you're listening God could ya lend him a hand please? I will post the heart results tomorrow so stay tuned!

And so it begins

Tomorrow starts the first day of school for the kids. We have been in school all week in work shops, but tomorrow the kids come. Seems like I was just covering all the stuff in the room for the summer and now here it is. The room ready again for the kids to come. Emily to 1st grade, Tyler to 8th. Where does the time go. It will be a big week. First day of school, Tuesday get my heart test results and Wednesday take the State Board ....again. This will be my second school year without Jerry and I miss him now as much as I did then. Will it be easier to come home with no one here? I don't know. I know it was very hard last year. But, with chin up and smile on my face I will go forward and do the best I can!

Got the word

Got the word I will be taking the State Board on Wednesday, August 20th. Good thoughts, please! I see the cardio doc on Tuesday the 19th and will find out about all my tests then. So it will be a big week. Monday first day back to school for the kids (we've been there all this week), cardio doc on Tuesday and State Board on Wednesday! Whew - I'm tired already!! I have noticed that my anxiety level has gone up the last few days.Jerry is always on my mind, but last couple of days it has been constant and the missing him the last few days has been almost unbearable. I came past the cemetery today on my way back from Wal Mart and just broke down crying as I drove past. That has not happened in a while. I don't think there is a rhyme or reason for it to be so strong now it just is. Maybe so many things going on and no one to really share it with. School starting, the TV breaking, going to the cardio doc and the State Board. Everyone is so busy with school starting and all that involves I may just be feeling sorry for myself and I need to stop that. There are people with much worse problems than I have. So keep good thoughts! I appreciate them!

Glowing

Well today was the day for the BIG stress test. First get an IV - into that they inject Isotope and put me in a machine that moves around your body about 1/2 inch every 2 minutes - so this takes some time. Once that is done off we go to the stress lab. There they hook me up to all the monitors and put me on the tread mill. Every 3 minutes the tread mill goes faster and inclines so you are walking at a fast pace up hill. While this is going on they are taking your blood pressure, monitoring your heart rate, and injecting you with more Isotope. My goal was to get my heart rate up from 56 where we started to 136. I went to 132 and that was as far as I could go. So they slowly stop the tread mill. Unhook me from all the wires and take me back to radiology where I have to get into the machine again and have it move around my body taking pictures of my heart. This entire process takes 5 hours. Once done they had me a piece of paper that states I am now radioactive. I am giving off radiation. For 24 hours do not go near pregnant women - okay we have 3 teachers at school that are pregnant and stay away from small children as this may cause them to have reproductive problems in the future. So on the way back to school I call Shan and give her the low down so she can spread the word and explain to Emily why Mimi can't hug her. I see the cardiologist next week for the results of all these tests - so stay tuned. Other than not being able to hug Emily was the fact that I could not go to the school's open house tonight since all my kids would want to hug me and I would want to hug them back. Had I known all this before I would have scheduled the tests for another time. Oh well - live and learn! Here is one to ponder - if I am capable of causing harm to others because of the radioactivity what is it doing to me since it's in my body????UUUMMMMM

Another day - another dollar- where is that $600

You will remember from a previous post I learned I would be receiving $600 a month from Social Security and I was taking it and going to Disney World. And I did and had a great time. Guess what I'm doing with this months $600!!! Read on and find out!! We had our last hurrah weekend in Little Rock. Got our room on the same side of the hotel as last year so we could look out of our window and see when the Krispy Kreme sign was on. Out the door like a flash, we were, to get those HOT FRESH donuts! Man, they were good! We got there early enough on Friday that we were able to do the teacher stores, eat, and go for a swim. Saturday we did the clothes shopping part of the trip. Got back to the hotel and Dave and Tyler went out to get food. Long John Silvers! Don't get that often and it was good! Sunday we got up and took Tyler to Linnie's to spend a few days and then home we came. Got home unpacked, made some tea, just your general junk then lo and behold no picture on my TV. Sound, but no picture. Call Dave. Come fix my TV. Dave comes. Dave says - shoot the TV. It's a goner. So until I get a new one I will be in the back room watching the little 13" one - hey at least I have one to watch!! Had my echo cardiogram done today. Found out I have leaking valves. He also asked me if I had high blood pressure. I never have, but he saw something that made him ask and he asked if I ever smoked, no never have, he asked was I around smokers. Yea, growing up. Amazing what you can find out by looking at your heart! So I have this annoying heart monitor on until tomorrow when I go for the stress test. I'm sure there will be stress. The darn tests cost over $6,000 and I had to pay 10% of that. Over $600 and with a smile the lady asked "Would you like to pay that today or tomorrow?" And so now you know what I'm doing with this months $600. So I'll keep ya posted on what develops. Please note money amounts are in green!!

Here's your sign!

I think it was Bill Engvall that started the saying - but it sure applies a lot of time. When you take 8 pills a day - and these aren't the ones I take for anxiety - these are the ones that keep me going all day. Now that does include some I have to take twice a day like - my Amitiza (I'd tell ya what it's for but, Dave would say WOA TMI (too much information) and my Metoprolol - which is for my heart. Anyway I was sitting and putting some scripts (see how cool I sound writing scripts) I had filled into a pill container that has the days of the week and if it's AM or PM. Anyway as I am doing this I think to myself - self are you getting old. I mean so many pills just to keep going on through the day

wait for it....here it comes.....Here's Your Sign!

Now in all fairness to me I have to say I asked the doctor about starting to wean off some of this stuff and he told me research shows (kathie Janes would be so proud - inside joke for Shan) I should be on these meds for 2 years.

Shan and the kids went for hair cuts today (all of them - before you ask that dumb question). Emily rode with me and I don't know how we got on the subject of age..oh I know she asked me if she still looked 5. I told her NO she looks at least 22. She said really 22 cool! Well, then we start to talk about my age I tell her I am 60 and she says in kinda of small voice I have a grandmother that is 60??? She sounded a little disappointed to find out I was so old. Then we talked about marriage and getting a house. She wants her house to have stairs. I asked her if she was going to get married and how many children did she want to have. First she said 1. I said only 1 child. Then she no, maybe none at all - just a house with stairs. I truly wish everyone that reads my blog was able to interact with Emily on a regular bases. She is a joy to be around. She truly is going on 22. I don't think I have ever heard a child of her age with the amount of vocabulary she has, and her facial expressions and body movements when she talks are so cute it almost makes ya want to slap your momma - I don't know where they came from. I think it's Junior's influence on me! And don't get me started on my Tyler. What a handsome young man he has become. He's lost the cute little boy look and now is a tall handsome young man! He has not change from when he was young though. He is still sensitive, caring, and loving. Not many 13 year olds would kiss there grandmother in public or just walk up to ya and put an arm around you. He seems to sense things. When I am feeling kinda low, but haven't told anyone - some how he knows and will come up and ask - need a hug. I say always from you! And when ever I take them some where like the water park he always thanks me for taking them. What a fine young man he is and I am soooo proud of them both - just in case you couldn't tell! So I will take my sign and slink off into the night thinking - I am not old - because taking a few pills on a temporary basis does NOT make you old. It is great to have family to love and that love you! What a wonderful world. There is song by that title. I think Louie Armstrong sang it. - with skies of blue and grass of green bright yellow somethings. And I say to myself what a wonderful world. Oh Yeah!!!

Happy Birthday, Dad

Dear Dad,

Today is August 1st. and your birthday. You were born in 1925 - you would be 83 today. I can't believe you would be 83 today. You died 10 years ago this October. We had put mom in a nursing home and you were coming home from visiting her - actually you were on your way to Bill's house to eat and hang out when you were hit by a truck You lived for a week after the accident, in ICU the entire time. We had one "good" day that we thought was going to be a turn around for you, but it didn't last. When it came time for visiting in the ICCU and they come to the door and say all families can come in except the Quillen family you know things are not good. We came to find out later your heart was stopping and they working very hard to keep it going. Lots of us slept in the waiting room - the worst place in the world to try and spend a night. The night you died - early morning really - was one of the worst nights of my life, but you know what? I would not give it up for anything. It was a difficult decision to have them stop all they were doing to keep you alive and realize there were so many things wrong that eventually even that was not going to work. So we made the painful decision to have them stop all the mass medications they were pushing. We never had to "turn off" any machines - just stop the meds. We got to talk to you for the 20 or 30 minutes it took for your heart to actually stop. I was amazed at how fast it went. But, I got to tell you all the things I wanted you to know. How much I love you, what a wonderful dad you were, how proud of you I was for what you stood for and for all the important things you passed onto me and taught me by just being yourself. So Dad, where ever you are, take care of Jerry - I'm sure you and he are going some of your famous 15 minute jobs! And I know you are still taking care of Mum, like you always did. I love you, Dad, and Happy Birthday - I miss you every day! Love always, Darlene PS. Have a Bud for me and ah about the Jimmy Hendrix tape - sorry about that. Some how his tape got in Patsy Cline's tape holder. But, I'm sure since Jerry is there now he has been able to show you the finer points of the Jimmy Hendrix style and you have a greater appreciation for his music. Riiiiight!!!

Where does the time go?

Wow - almost the end of July. It amazes me how fast the summer has gone. It also amazed me how fast the last school year went and here we are again getting ready to start another! Does it seem this way to everyone or just to those of us that are older and have more years behind us than we have ahead of us? I re-read what I had written last night and I am not feeling as bad as I was when I wrote that. Maybe this is how it will go for awhile. Okay days sometimes and some not so okay days. I worked in the class room again today. Shan and the kids were at the school so I took the kids swimming while Shan did some work in her class room. She came to the pool around 3:00 or so. I played in the water some more with Emily and then came home to shower. The girl is a hoot anyway and in the water is no different. She has no fear, which frightens me. She will try just about anything - which is okay as long as we are there to keep her safe. But, she has learned a lot. She told me today that if she was ever floating on a raft and fell off all she has to remember is to swim to side and hold onto the wall of the pool. She swims like a fish under water - that girl can go. We had fun with her coming down the slide in different positions and me having to give her a score - like an Olympic event. There were some guys Tyler goes to school with there and they seemed to be having great fun doing cannon balls off the high dive. And, I am sad to say I gave in and went to Sonic and got a burger for Cee Cee. I have tried since we came home from Disney World to give her just dog food since that was all she had while she stayed with Brian and Carla. We've been home for almost 3 weeks now and she hasn't eaten - so yes, I caved! At least she ate. I tried to mix it in with the dog food, but she would have none of that. She picked around the dog food and got the burger. So once again I will be a regular customer of Sonic! Way to go Cee Cee!!

Tonight I am feeling blue

I think I do this more for me than for anyone else. It helps, I think, to put your thoughts down, sometimes it helps to make sense of them. I had a good day. Went to the school and did some work in the class room, met friends for lunch, came home, and Emily and I baked the pizza cookie recipe she found in one of her books. They turned out quite yummy. I think watching the video of her and the cooking show made me sad because Jerry is not here to share it with. I don't know. I wish someone could explain to me - if there is an explanation - what causes the reactions I experience. I watched Emily's video early and smiled and just enjoyed watching and listening to her. Tonight when I looked at it again it made my cry. I am feeling very lonely tonight and missing Jerry so much my heart is hurting. I thought things were getting better. I even made it through a therapy session without crying so I thought I was making some head way in my grieving process. I don't know why tonight is especially bad, but it is. I can't stop the tears from flowing.. Is there something wrong with me that after more than a year since Jerry died I am still devastated by his death? Will the heaviness in my heart every go away. I am at an extremely low point tonight and I'm not sure why. I would appreciate any feed back you can give me on this. I'm tired of being sad.. Is that wrong to feel that way? I just know I feel like all the strength has been drained out of me. I am weary, just weary. Is this something I can control? Is there something I can do. I thought I was having a good day. Worked at the school for a while, had lunch with friends, and made cookies with Emily. How much better can your day get? Am I being selfish in that all of those things are not enough for me right now? Is this a feeling that I will have from time to time? If you have any words of wisdom please give them to me. Is this feeling a choice I am some how making and not realizing I am making the choice to be melancholy and sad? I don't know. I just know I am just weary.

What I am feeling right now

I do a good bit of sleeping. You may call it depression, you may call it escapism, you may call it boredom. Doesn't matter what label you put on it. This is my explanation because every one is different. Every death is different and there is no right way or wrong way to handle it. I can remember when I was taking care of my mom at her house when she was very sick and had a lot of medical problems and getting into bed with Jerry at 11 or 12 at night and telling him "This is my favorite time of day. There are no demands on me and I can relax." When I sleep now sometimes it is my favorite time of day. When I sleep there are no dishes to do, no laundry to do, no cleaning to do, no bills to pay. And just perchance I may even dream of Jerry and for that space of time all is right with my world. Until you experience this you have no idea how lonely you are. Not alone...I am not alone. I have great family and friends that will be here at my side in a moments notice if I need them. Being alone and being lonely are two totally different things. I am very sensitive to how my family sees me. I know sometimes my expectations are unrealistic. They are not mind readers, therefore they have no idea what I am thinking or feeling at any particular moment. They are not here in the evenings when the loneliness is so over whelming I can barely breath. It amazes me how lonely I am after more than a year. There are things you have to go through on your own. And I would never want to upset Emily and Tyler. Maybe that is the wrong way to feel. Maybe those are the times I should call and ask them to come over and talk with me about Dad/Jerry/Grandpa/Poppy. It is hard to know what is the right thing to do sometimes. I may have a couple of bad weeks coming up. For the first time since Jerry died last April there is nothing for me to have to do. No going back to finish the school year, no surgery, thank heavens, no trip to Texas with Julia, no planning our great trip to Disney World, no CNA classes and State Boards to concentrate on. Only several weeks of pretty much nothing. I can go to the school and do some work in the room, and I will, but it's different and I'm not sure I can find the words to explain it. Tyler and Emily are my pride and joy, but sometimes the loneliness is so over whelming even they can't take it away. So I go to my bed and hope really hard I will fall asleep (I don't always, sometimes I just lay there for a few hours) and as I'm sleeping maybe, just maybe I will dream of Jerry and my world is whole once again! Thank you all for your understanding , love, patience, and just being there. I love you all more than you will ever know.

Therapy is a wonderful tool

As I have stated in my previous blogs I am a believer in therapy when needed, and boy did I need it after Jerry died and the whole surgery and back and forth to the hospital thing. It has helped me in more ways than I can say. I had a session yesterday and for the first time I was able to get through the entire session without crying. A big accomplishment for me. Last year at this time I never thought I would get to this place. But, here I am. Thank heavens for my family - they keep me just crazy enough to keep me sane if you know what I mean. Thank heavens for the opportunity to attend the CNA classes - they kept me busy and focused on something other than myself. I no longer see my bed as a place of refuse, but as a place to sleep and sometimes ponder the days events and that's okay. I had a wonderful time at Disney World, thanks again to my kids for dragging me along and putting up with my "problems" of needing a bathroom, and they didn't really drag me along. I wanted to go and I know they wanted me to go. I have so many blessings to focus on now. Last year at this time I could not see any blessings in my life and never thought I would get to this point. People told me I would - I didn't believe them. How could the pain and sorrow I was feeling ever lessen enough to allow me to function in any normal way. Well I have gotten to that point, all the people were right and - not that I ever really functioned in a "normal" way I am functioning in a normal a way as possible for someone with OCD and GAD. My children - and that includes my daughter-in-laws, and my grandchildren are the joy of my life. They are the reason I can smile every day. So, if you are just at the beginning of experiencing a loss, let the experience happen at it's own pace, don't let any one tell you there is a right way or a wrong way there is only your way and my hope and wish for you is that you too will come out on the other side and be able to count your blessings just as I have. Since I am beginning to feel like a regular person again (I will always miss Jerry and the hole in my heart will always be there) my blog may take on a different feel and I may blog "what ever pops into my head" - sorry Dave, stole your theme there! However, if you feel the need to comment on a loss you are experiencing and need some feedback or just a shoulder to lean on, by all means I am here for that. I see my therapy coming to end in the very near future, but I will always be here for anyone that needs that someone with a shared experience.

Learning from your children

As I said in my previous blog I was bummed out about my State Board skill test. When I talked to my son, Brian, he asked me when they had changed my name to God? I said they haven't changed my name to God. He then said, well guess what, until they name you God you are allowed to make mistakes! Today I had a staff development with David as the instructor. The first class was on pod cast - like I even know what that is - and the second session was on photo collages. It was really cool to learn all the things you can do with digital pictures and your little ol' computer! Man, my kids are smart!!!! And, yes I am very proud of both of them! So...thank you, Brian for the words of wisdom, and thank you David for being such a great instructor. I really enjoyed both classes and it was sooo much fun having my son teach them. How cool can you get?????

It doesn't seem to end

I just found out my best friend's daughter has lost her mother-in-law. She suffered with what all the doctors said was indigestion. Until she could stand it no more and insisted on a scope. Well guess what, it was not indigestion at all. Her stomach was full of cancer. She found this out the beginning of the summer and now she is gone. I think that is the part that aggravates me the most. Doctors tend to put people off and take the the easiest cause and treat it. When that didn't work they changed her medicine. When that didn't work they changed her medicine again. When that didn't work she insisted on a scope to see what the heck was going on. This had gone on for a YEAR! They do the scope and low and behold we are so sorry - you have stomach cancer - very advanced and there is nothing we can do. Had it been caught earlier we may have been able to do something. The lady doctored for a year! Had you known earlier???? Give me a break. I know doctors are humans, but to go on with this for a year is just plain ridiculous! I am going to become very proactive in my health care. I have something wrong and you give me a pill and it doesn't work, guess what folks we're not trying another pill we're going on to what the next possible cause for my problem is! I went through this with my grandmother. She doctored for a year with what they told her was a uterine infection. WRONG - she had colon cancer that perforated her uterus and had to have a colostomy bag. She lasted about 2 years! This is the kind of stuff that boils my blood! Please, Please, do not let your doctor take the easy way out. You insist on finding the cause of your problem. If your doctor doesn't agree with what you want to do find another doctor, that one is not looking out for your best interest! Lord, I ask thee - give me strength.

A very sad day

I found out this afternoon that a lady I work with at school lost her husband this morning. I just saw them in church on Sunday and now he is gone. He had a massive stroke on Tuesday. I am going over to her house later today. You would think having gone through this myself a year ago I would know what to say and how to help her. Wrong. I have no idea. Every death is different. I can't say I've walked in her shoes because I haven't. My husband's death was very different from hers. So I will go to her house, hug her, and cry with her. I took my State Boards for CNA today and was pretty bummed because I blew the skills part of the test. The written part I aced. I made a 100 no question in my mind. The skills part I did all the skills correctly, but missed the basics - washing my hands and wearing gloves. How stupid can ya get. However, since hearing about Penny's husband it's not that big a deal. It's a simple test that really does not change my life one way or the other. So if I passed I did and if I didn't - oh well - I'll retake the skills part. Penny can never get her husband back and that far out weighs anything so trivial as a silly skills test.

We're Back

We're back from Disney World and all of our adventures. We had a wonderful time. Lots of cool rides and shows. It was great seeing everything through Tyler and Emily's eyes. What a thrill for a grandmother! We took a shuttle from our hotel every day to EPCOT and then either a Disney bus or the Monorail to the park we were going to for the day. The last day it rained all day, especially when we were standing out in the open waiting for the shuttle to pick us up. One of the funniest things to happen was one night on the shuttle we all thought the driver was taking us to the wrong hotel. Shan's mom kept asking Dave how much longer he was going to let the driver go since we were going to the wrong hotel. We did the whole thing about Gilligan's Island and the three hour tour. Turns out the driver knew exactly what he was doing and the hotel he passed that we thought was ours, was in fact, not our hotel. But, we all had a great laugh. Going to Disney World really requires two days in each park, probably except for Disney Studios - that you can do in one day. But there is so much to do and see in the other parks, and with the long lines and how far you have to walk from one thing to another you need two days. I loved seeing Tyler's face after his roller coaster ride and Emily in Magic Kingdom when we went to Cinderella's castle and she had her hair, make-up and nails done. She said that day was the best day of her life! When she was done they put a sash on her that said PRINCESS. For the rest of the day all the park employees we saw called her princess and asked how her day was. Such attention to detail was one of the things that impressed me the most. Nothing is too insignificant to let go - they work down to the smallest detail and it really makes a difference in your visit and what you experience. If you ever have the chance to go - do it. Allow for lots of time, wear comfortable shoes, and drink lots of water! My wish for you is to have a great a time as we did! For some great pictures go to Dave's blog. www.just popped into my head .blogspot.com Thank you Dave and Shan for taking me along on such a wonderful adventure! I loved it!!! And thank you Tyler and Emily. You could not find two better kids in the world. The were wonderful to travel with (we drove and it is a l o n g drive!) They had a great time in the parks and never complained about all the walking and waiting you have to do! They are the best!!

We're off

We're off to find the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz....wait a minute, that's not where we're going. Sing with me....M I C K E Y M O U S E MICKEY MOUSE, DONALD DUCK, MICKEY MOUSE, DONALD DUCK. FOREVER LET US HOLD OUR BANNERS HIGH, HIGH, HIGH. SO COME ALONG AND SING OUR SONG AND JOIN OUR JAMBOREE...M I C (SEE YA REAL SOON) K E Y (WHY? BECAUSE WE LIKE YA) MOUSE. BYE BYE FOR NOW. SEE YA NEXT TIME ON THE MICKEY MOUSE CLUB!

15 minute job!!!

Jerry would be so proud right now. We always had this thing about jobs taking 15 minutes. It all started when one day long ago my dad said he would help Jerry put new brakes on our car. A 15 minute job he said. WELL, three days later and they were still working on it. So the joke became a 15 minute job when ever any project was undertaken. So the 15 minute job of replacing the broken pipe in my sewage line - that we thought would be a 15 minute job - turns out will be a several day job. Not only was the pipe broken where we could see, but as Junior dug (when no water was coming out the pipe after we installed the new part)...you guessed it...we found more broken pieces. So once again Junior to the rescue. He is going to get the needed pipe and couplers and with his back ho complete the job. For now though I can shower, wash clothes and use the toilet - just no toilet paper please. I can live with that. Jerry lives on!!!

Things that make you miss your husband, but make you glad for great family

On Friday night Shan was mowing the lawn - yes, Shan does the mowing - says she likes it. Anyway I decided, after I moved my car, to walk around the house and make sure there were no twigs or things to pick up. Only to discover that my sewage pipe had a huge hole in it, really the whole top of the pipe was missing, and all the junk was flowing out the top and running under my trailer. I go get Dave to see what we can do about and after several different things Junior comes out to see what the heck we are doing going back forth between his shed and the pasture. When we give him to the low down he jumps on the four-wheeler and goes off to find a hundred foot snake thing to see if there is a clog. Person with snake not home so off he goes first thing Saturday morning. Dave has left for his conference in San Antonio so poor Junior is on his own with this one. Comes back with the snake and we begin. The snake comes all the way to where the top of the pipe is missing with not problem. So - no clog, just lazy water taking the easiest way out, which happens to be the missing top of the pipe. Now Shan and her mom happen to be in Texarkana shopping so we call them and Junior tells them what we need to fix this thing and will they get it and bring it home. They do. Junior comes over first thing today (Sunday) and begins the job. First cutting out the old broken pipe to add a coupler, new pipe and another coupler. Unfortunately it turns out the couplers are too big. So we will have to wait until tomorrow so we can get the right size uptown when the hardware store here opens. No one wants to make another trip to Texarkana with gas prices so high. So a small inconvenience for a little while. I miss Jerry all the time, but at times like this he would have been the one to fix it and I wouldn't feel like I need to depend on my family for everything. But, that is the reality of the situation - so be it. I am grateful my family is so close that helping me with this kind of thing is just a matter of walking a few steps and not having to drive some where to help me. That really makes life easier. Junior has been my hero many times. Two of the most memorable are the day Jerry died - don't know what I would have done without him, and today with this pipe thing. Dave is in San Antonio for the week so Junior has once again come to my aid. Thank you, Junior, and I love you. Never take your family for granted, always tell them you love them, and never forget to say THANK YOU.