Do people really take one day at a time???

Do we really take one day at a time or do we let the things pile up on us until we're so loaded down we don't know what to do first. I think I fall into this category. I just keep putting things in my gunny sack and before long the sack is too heavy to carry. This is where I am now. I've been thinking a lot about Jerry, I think because so many things are happening and I feel like I'm the only one dealing with them. I'm really missing him a lot right now. The car needs some work, have an appointment with UAMS on Tuesday, school starts back on Wednesday. Emily's kitten has worms. I hate to drive the car any more than I have to so when I was at Wal-Mart I got some de-worming stuff for her. Emily hasn't been to see the kitty in a few days. I think the novelty has worn off. She's a nice cat as cats go, I'm not a big cat person. With all my own stuff going on I can barely take care of myself let a lone an animal. All I know is I want my Jerry back NOW! And that's crazy, which I have been certified as being. It's been 2 1/2 years when does the longing and grief lessen? Or does it ever. Okay end of pity party for now.

I'm still here

Well, since the last post I have been back to the hospital with the same problem so I am going to UMAS on the 18th of August and see if they can help me. While I was in the hospital I had my medication changed and that has helped my depression. I stayed with Brian and Carla for the week end a few weeks ago and Carla took me to a health store where I bought some herbal tea. The stuff was great. Worked like nothing else I've ever had. Then - it stopped working. So I'm back to square one. Went with the gang to New York for a week. Had a great time. Had my picture taken with the "naked cowboy". Emily wanted a kitten or a puppy for her birthday. Her parents said no. The on Sunday before her birthday Paw finds a mother cat and her kitten living in his old truck. Emily is thrilled. Mom and Dad say no, but God says yes. Well, how can I resist that. The kitten is living with me. She has gone to the vet twice for shots and goes on Wednesday to be spayed and de-clawed. I am on my way now to a popcorn party that Emily is having. Should be great fun!!!

Really, you can't make this stuff up!!

I left in February to be with my friend, Dorothy, for her open heart surgery. Well, I was there one week when I became desperately ill. Off the to ER we go. They do tests - I have an adhesion and need surgery. Okay not too bad, been dealing with this for a year and a half so maybe this guy can fix it for good. Least he says he can. Surgery goes well and I am recovering. Day I am to be discharged I get sick again. No discharge. Back into the bed I go. This goes on for a month. During this time among all the tests they were doing I had 5 count them 5 NG tubes placed and removed at various times. Now, if you have ever had one you know how it is, can you imagine 5. Finally put me on a drug called Metoclopram because my stomach does not empty thus the reason for getting so sick all the time. The problem with the Metoclopram is the side effects. One of which I have. I have muscle spasms in my upper lip. Not attractive to say the least and I noticed today as I was reading to my kids it is effecting my speech. So I will call the doctor and ask him if I should continue the drug or stop and take my chances - I really hate that thought! I will keep ya posted. You have no idea what being away from home for two months, as it turned out to be, does to you. Not only are you sick in a hospital, but you have to worry about all the things going on back home. Especially when you are the only one responsible for everything. Thank heavens I had David and Shan so close. They took care of Cee Cee and Dave would go to my house twice a month and we would go over the bills to be paid so I stayed current on everything. There were many times when it was more than I could handle and once when I thought about just giving up and telling them to pull everything and what happens happens. That didn't last long, thank goodness. But I was sick for so long they had to put me on TPN, which is a total nutrition that is done by your blood work. It's white and comes in a big bag that runs through your IV line for 24 hours. As soon as one is done they hang another. So hopefully we will get this med thing worked out and things will finally be as normal for me as they can be. Stayed tuned!

I killed the doctor 4 times over

Okay - not literally. Those of you that know me will not find what I am about to say strange in the least. About a week ago I began to experience an odd sensation. I would take two or three bites of something and I would feel so full I was uncomfortable. So, naturally I knew I had stomach cancer. Made an appointment with my gastro guy to have an Endoscope done. Now, they put you sleep for this so you need to have someone with you to drive home. My knightess in white armour, Shan, will take me. On Tuesday off we go. I have to be there at 7 a.m. so we leave the house at 6:15a.m. Get there, get checked in and taken back to a room. I put on the gown and the nurse comes in to hook up the IV so they can administer the sleeping drugs. My procedure was scheduled for 8 - yeah right!!! Finally about 10 they take me back. Now I had made Shan promise that if I came back to the room sleeping she was to wake me up. I could sleep in the van on the way home and sleep more at home. I did not want to waste her time sitting there watching me sleep. Back in the procedure room the hook me up to a heart monitor and blood pressure. In the IV the nurse gives me 2 units of whatever drug of the day they are using for putting people to sleep. A few minutes later she comes to see if I'm sleeping - I'm not. Not even drowsy. She turns to the doc and he says to give me 2 more. She does. Same result - nothing. She turns to the doc again this time he tells her to give me 4 units of the drug. She does and nothing. At this point I can tell she is a little befuddled. She calls the doc's name one more time and he says give her 10 of Demoral. She does and once again nothing. Now they decide to squirt this horrid tasting stuff into my mouth, ask me to swish it around and swallow it. YUCK and DOUBLE YUCK! I do. They then turn me on my side and put this round doughnut-like thing in my mount and tie it around me head. Doc then proceeds to insert tube into my throat. Not bad the yucky stuff has numbed my mouth and part of my throat. So far so good. Then he gets to the part that has not been numbed and I can feel the tube going down. Natural reflex is to swallow which I do and they keep encouraging me to swallow. Now I can feel him poking around in my stomach and I'm thinking - I'm going to throw up. How do I tell them I am going to throw up. I have a doughnut in my mouth - can't talk and my hands are tied to the blood pressure machine and the IV pole. So, I calm myself down, breath slowly and finally it's over. They then unhook me from the blood pressure and take me back to me room. Not long after I arrive the good doc appears. He tells Shan, "I gave her enough drugs to kill me 4 times over and look at her. Not a bit sleepy." "Yeah," says Shan, "She takes a lot of medicine." So long story short I don't have stomach cancer, which the doc also told Shan and she again said she knew I didn't. But, what I do have is a nerve that comes into play when you have lap-band surgery. This nerve after the surgery quivers sending a message to the brain that you are full and stop eating, which is how people that have this surgery lose weight. I have never had this surgery, however, my little nerve has decided to quiver on it's on. Now I'm thinking, hey this might not be a bad thing...the benefit without the surgery. Anyway he told me to take Prilosec and it should calm the nerve and I would be fine. Now I find myself in a bit of a quandary - I need to have a colonoscopy, however, if the drugs they use do not work to put me to sleep then no deal. I have had two of them and I woke up in the middle of the first one and I NEVER want that again. So he and I will talk and decide what to do from there. Is that the end????of course not, remember who is typing this. On Thursday Dave takes me to Little Rock for the steroid injection in my back. We are to be there at 10:30, they will medicate me and I will have the injection at 11:30. Right lady, if all the meds I had on Tuesday didn't do anything why do you thing your little ol' Zanax will. So 11:30 comes and goes. 12:00 comes and goes. Finally I go up to the desk and ask when will it be my turn. Oh, she is sorry, the doc just went into surgery. It will be about another hour. WHAT. Okay, I return to my seat, Dave is playing on his mini laptop and he gives me his phone to play some games to amuse myself. Finally they call me. Put me on the table. The nurse rubs my back with sterile stuff and in comes the doc. The nurse tells him who I am and what I am there for. He walks over to the table. Tells me okay bee sting. YIKES - no kidding. He then proceeds to inject me twice more with whatever, and out the door he goes. We have been there since 10:30 it is now around 1:30 the man was not in the room - I kid you not - 15 seconds - not minutes - seconds! Then we leave there, go next door where they put me in a room. Put a medicated patch on my back and have my lie on HOT towels. Finally a little after 2 we get to leave. Now you can not eat before this procedure. I don't know why. They are not putting me to sleep - couldn't if they wanted to. To say Dave and I are starving in putting it mildly. So off to Arby's we go. Love to eat there and since we don't have one around here we don't eat there often so that was a treat. So now I wait two weeks to see if the injection helps, if not I go back for another - all I can say is DON'T GET OLD. Now if you want to read a really funny story about this go to Dave's blog and read his description of Shan talking to him about my Endoscope. To say he was a little confused it putting it mildly, but it does make for a great read. So enjoy! On a little sadder note, my best friend of 30 years has to have open heart surgery. She had a cath done on Friday and it turned out to be worse than they thought. Not only is the carotid valve gone and will have to be replaced, the mytro valve has prolapsed and will have to be repaired or replaced. They won't know until they open her up. I can not even begin to explain how scared I am for her. We are so close that her husband refers to us as sisters and that is how I feel about her. She is family and I love her. Please keep good thoughts for her. As soon as we get a surgery date I will be flying to Pittsburgh to be with her.

Take the good with the bad

On the good - Casey and Vanessa had their baby on Wednesday. The little bugger would not turn so they had to do a c-section. He is 7 pounds 19 inches and his name is Samuel Thomas - great name! I love my family and am so thankful I get to share in all the life experiences a family has. On the bad - David had oral surgery on two teeth on Friday so he's been in some pain. However, story of him after the surgery and on the way home will have you falling on the floor laughing when Shan tells it. That girl can tell a story! Speaking of falling on the floor I did that again. I got sick on the way home from the hospital (after Samuel was born). We had stopped at Wal-Mart so Shan could print some pictures of Samuel for her mom, sister and her to take to work. I stayed in the car with the kids. I suddenly got so hot I though I was going to have to take all my clothes off. Emily helped me get my jackets off, we opened the windows and turned the air to cold. When we got to Prescott we stopped at Sonic and I got a Strawberry Slush thinking something sweet on my stomach might help. Well, we got home and made it to my bathroom just in time. However, I was not just sick at my stomach I was sick at both ends ( I know, Dave, TMI) but I need to tell this so will know why I fell. I think because it was coming from both ends I was losing too much fluid too fast and it caused my blood pressure to drop. So when I stood up, back down I went. I'm sure it will leave a mark. Also found out I have four disks in my lower back that have no cushion between them so I go to the nuero surgeon on the 30th. Same guy Shan used. So I have at least on reference for his work! Still no word on the autopsy for my friend's niece. My friend goes on the 28th to find out about her surgery for her heart. My plan was to go to Pittsburgh to be there for her heart surgery...now I have to wait and see what the doc says. Unless he can do something for a temporary fix there is no way I can sit on a plane that long. Heck, when I get up now Junior calls me Fred (Fred Sanford). So now Junior has four names for me....Darla, Bob, Mimi, and Fred - ya gotta love a guy like that! I must say I feel better getting all this out. Haven't been to therapy in a while and this is the next best thing. I'm going to ask Dave to put some pictures of Samuel on my blog so ya'll can see him.

Can we at least start out the new year w/o problems?

This is a rhetorical question. Because as everyone knows the answer is NO. My best friend's niece had out patient gall bladder surgery on a Friday. By 2:00 a.m. Sunday she was dead. We don't know why yet. Maybe she threw a clot - I don't know, but geez we only started into the new year. I knew that some time in February would be my friend's open heart surgery and I was preparing for that, but her niece at the age of 44 dying after out patient surgery. I know things happen for a reason and we don't always know the reason, at least not right away, but I have say I am sorta losing my patience here. Now this comes no where near Rhonda Lynn dying, however, for some reason my back has decided it has had enough. So...getting up and down is as bad as having root canal without benefit of some type of numbing. The muscle relaxers did not help, the pain pills have not helped so MRI here I come. Oh, and David goes to the dentist with a bad tooth. He didn't know how bad until he got to the dentist and was told he would need an oral surgeon to have the tooth removed. He does that this Friday. I go tomorrow to set the appointment for the MRI, Dave has his appointment with the oral surgeon on Friday, and Dorothy is having open heart surgery end of January or early February. I know....I know...no one said life was fair or easy, but sorry, I'm thinking my family- immediate and extended - deserve a break. I also know to be very careful what you wish for - you just may get it, but not in the way you intended. I personally have had that experience. With that said, and fingers crossed, would it be possible to have some time with no crisis. No one gets hurt, no one gets sick, no one dies. I know this is a poor me pity party, but ya know what?sometimes you just need one! I love you all. Please stay healthy, be careful driving, check you answers(that one's for Tyler and Emily), tell the people around you how much you love them and how much they mean to you. I love you all and I know I could not have made it this far without all of you. I am very thankful for that. Now, if we can just get this other stuff taken care I will feel a lot better. On a lighter note...I came late to the Boston Legal party - like the last three episodes late. Well, I really enjoyed the ones I did get to see, so for Christmas Dave and Shan got me Season One. I went on-line and ordered season 2, 3, 4, (5 is not out yet). So I have been having a grand time with my Boston Legal marathon! Thank you guys! It was a great gift. So I think I will end here and go to watch some more Boston Legal - hey it keeps off the streets!

Thank you all

I want to thank my family for making the holidays as easy as possible for me. It seems when we are all gathered together - like at meals - is when Jerry's absence is so obvious. I don't want to upset the kids so I will just come back to my house and let it out there. I know I spend a lot of time laying on the bed, but it is not always to sleep. Sometimes it's where I go for my private time to let my grief out. I have the best family and they are always the ones I count first when I count my blessings. I thank you for giving me the time and space that you do without judgement or disdain. Your understanding is what helps me make it through my days. I know I can go to Dave and Shan's any time I want and just hang out there and I do sometimes go down to their house. Sometimes the grief and the longing to have Jerry back is more than I can handle and that I want to do in private. So some of those times when you think I am sleeping I have really retreated to my bed to let my grief out by myself. Do I sometimes cry myself to sleep? YES. But I am always grateful for my family. All little girls, and big girls love their daddies, and I can see why Shan loves hers so much. Junior likes to tease me and give me a hard time and I know that is his way of showing me he cares about me and I love him for that and am so glad to have him in my life. He was the one I went to the day Jerry died and just took over. Made phone calls to get my family back home and stayed with me until they got there. I can still see me standing at his back door crying and telling him I needed help. He was out of his chair and over to me so fast I don't think his feet touched the floor. He literally carried me to the couch and started making calls to find people. I will never forget when he called Kay to tell her (she was in Little Rock at Linnie's) she asked to talk to me. Junior said "No she's very upset and she doesn't need to be talking on the phone." He was trying to protect me from becoming more upset by having to talk to someone on the phone. Well, I told him it was okay I would talk to Kay. But every time he had to make a call or someone called him he would take his cell phone outside so he wouldn't upset me even more. Poor guy, didn't think about him not hearing so well so he talks loud when he is on the phone and even though he was outside I could still hear him. But that is how far he went trying to protect me. So thank you, my family, for being such a blessing to me, for your love, and understanding. You are my life and I love each and every one of you more than you will ever know. All my love to the best family a person could be blessed to have. Mom/Darlene/Mimi