Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Tonight I am feeling blue
I think I do this more for me than for anyone else. It helps, I think, to put your thoughts down, sometimes it helps to make sense of them. I had a good day. Went to the school and did some work in the class room, met friends for lunch, came home, and Emily and I baked the pizza cookie recipe she found in one of her books. They turned out quite yummy. I think watching the video of her and the cooking show made me sad because Jerry is not here to share it with. I don't know. I wish someone could explain to me - if there is an explanation - what causes the reactions I experience. I watched Emily's video early and smiled and just enjoyed watching and listening to her. Tonight when I looked at it again it made my cry. I am feeling very lonely tonight and missing Jerry so much my heart is hurting. I thought things were getting better. I even made it through a therapy session without crying so I thought I was making some head way in my grieving process. I don't know why tonight is especially bad, but it is. I can't stop the tears from flowing.. Is there something wrong with me that after more than a year since Jerry died I am still devastated by his death? Will the heaviness in my heart every go away. I am at an extremely low point tonight and I'm not sure why. I would appreciate any feed back you can give me on this. I'm tired of being sad.. Is that wrong to feel that way? I just know I feel like all the strength has been drained out of me. I am weary, just weary. Is this something I can control? Is there something I can do. I thought I was having a good day. Worked at the school for a while, had lunch with friends, and made cookies with Emily. How much better can your day get? Am I being selfish in that all of those things are not enough for me right now? Is this a feeling that I will have from time to time? If you have any words of wisdom please give them to me. Is this feeling a choice I am some how making and not realizing I am making the choice to be melancholy and sad? I don't know. I just know I am just weary.
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You never know what will trigger your missing Jer. It just happens. Dean's mom told me once that when you are feeling the strangest feelings, whether happy or sad, that that is when your (loved one) is feeling for you the strongest too. She told me this because when Dean and I got married, it was really hard to think about going down the aisle and not have Daddy there to walk me. She said he would be on my mind while I made that walk, but more importantly he would be beside me.
That was pretty deep. And I always try to keep that thought when something triggers a thought about Daddy. Maybe it will work for you.
It is not abnormal to still be grieving for Jerry. Grief has no time line. Hell, I'm sittin' here cryin' cause I am thinking about Daddy, Lois AND Jerry all being gone. And I'm crying partly too cause I know you are hurting and I am not there to comfort you. I miss you so much. I will promise you this. If anything would ever happen to my husband, would sell this house as fast as I could and move down there with you. I wish I could convince him to move down there now, but I don't think he will ever. But, I try......
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