What I am feeling right now

I do a good bit of sleeping. You may call it depression, you may call it escapism, you may call it boredom. Doesn't matter what label you put on it. This is my explanation because every one is different. Every death is different and there is no right way or wrong way to handle it. I can remember when I was taking care of my mom at her house when she was very sick and had a lot of medical problems and getting into bed with Jerry at 11 or 12 at night and telling him "This is my favorite time of day. There are no demands on me and I can relax." When I sleep now sometimes it is my favorite time of day. When I sleep there are no dishes to do, no laundry to do, no cleaning to do, no bills to pay. And just perchance I may even dream of Jerry and for that space of time all is right with my world. Until you experience this you have no idea how lonely you are. Not alone...I am not alone. I have great family and friends that will be here at my side in a moments notice if I need them. Being alone and being lonely are two totally different things. I am very sensitive to how my family sees me. I know sometimes my expectations are unrealistic. They are not mind readers, therefore they have no idea what I am thinking or feeling at any particular moment. They are not here in the evenings when the loneliness is so over whelming I can barely breath. It amazes me how lonely I am after more than a year. There are things you have to go through on your own. And I would never want to upset Emily and Tyler. Maybe that is the wrong way to feel. Maybe those are the times I should call and ask them to come over and talk with me about Dad/Jerry/Grandpa/Poppy. It is hard to know what is the right thing to do sometimes. I may have a couple of bad weeks coming up. For the first time since Jerry died last April there is nothing for me to have to do. No going back to finish the school year, no surgery, thank heavens, no trip to Texas with Julia, no planning our great trip to Disney World, no CNA classes and State Boards to concentrate on. Only several weeks of pretty much nothing. I can go to the school and do some work in the room, and I will, but it's different and I'm not sure I can find the words to explain it. Tyler and Emily are my pride and joy, but sometimes the loneliness is so over whelming even they can't take it away. So I go to my bed and hope really hard I will fall asleep (I don't always, sometimes I just lay there for a few hours) and as I'm sleeping maybe, just maybe I will dream of Jerry and my world is whole once again! Thank you all for your understanding , love, patience, and just being there. I love you all more than you will ever know.