Holiday Blues

Well, the holiday blues have set in. I knew it was coming for a week or so now, but today it came full blown. I know I'll make it and things will be okay when I come out the other side, but right now it's hard to imagine it. I have most of the shopping done and need to get to the wrapping part, but for some reason I have no want to. Ya know when you want to do something and then the times when you don't want to do something. Well, my want to hasn't arrived yet. And I am bone weary and feeling very guilty because I missed Tyler's basketball game tonight. What kind of Mimi am I. So wrapped in my own sadness I can't see beyond my nose. I know people will say I just need to snap out of it it and pull myself together. To those I say - walk in my shoes and then say that. I know if things were reversed and it was Jerry that was left behind he would have been sad for a while and then moved on. I am not him. I think women and men see death of a spouse differently. Maybe it's because I loved him more than he loved me. That's okay. I always knew it and just accepted it, so yes, there would be a difference in his reaction to my death. There should be some class or book or something to prepare you for the loss of a spouse. I know everyone is different, but surely there is something out there that sorta fits the circumstance and can give some enlightenment. I just know I'm tired. Tired of being lonely - not alone. I am not alone. I have a wonderful family and the best grandkids in the entire world, but the lonely comes from not having some one to come home to, not having a heart to share things with. I haven't figured out how to go from 20 years with my parents and then 38 years with Jerry to suddenly no one. Not living with any one. I'm having a very hard time with that. I'm having a hard time with being the one and only one responsible for everything. Getting things fixed, making sure the bills are paid, getting the food, putting it away, doing the laundry, cleaning the house. Doing the Christmas shopping, the wrapping and the decorating. Jerry always helped with the decorating. It was the one thing he liked, he was like a big kid doing it. I know this is all just a big self pity party, but I think sometimes you need them. I just know I am sad, lonely, and tired to the very core of my bones. My apologies for bringing you down, if you are reading this. But I really do this more for myself than anyone else and I am hoping by getting it out in writing it will change my perspective and lighten things up some. I know I am rambling. I hope it helps me. God knows I need it. Keep good thoughts! To all my family...I love you more than life itself!!!