This is diffferent

Up until now when I think of Jerry - which is all the time - it is always. always, the great things we did and the great things he is missing. For some reason when I went to bed the other night instead of the usual crying, missing him, and not understanding any of it I began to think of some of things we went through that were not so great. It was not always a good marriage. Married people I know have their ups and downs, but I think we had quite a few. I don't know that I want to put this out there for everyone to read, but since this to help me I will. In our 38 years of marriage Jerry wanted a divorce 3 times. Each time he stayed. Those three times were HELL. One time was when I was taking care of my bed ridden mother and we were living with her and my dad so I could care for her, I found him on the computer e-mailing a girl - he tried to tell me he was doing this for our son, Brian. I knew better. When it finally came out, yes it is a girl he is communicating with on the Internet. He does not want to stay at my parents home while I take care of my mom. I couldn't believe he was asking me to make a choice between him and my bed ridden mother. He was. I realized that night as I lay thinking about this, I am still angry at him for asking me to choose between them. As it turned out my mom had to go to a nursing home as her condition deteriorated and she began having sever bleeding spells I could not handle at home. So Jerry and I wound up moving back to our home in Prescott. What would have happened if my mother's condition did not deteriate and I would have had to make a choice?? I wonder if I am moving into a different stage of grieving? Something I will ask my therapist.