Blame the drugs

Sorry - I got my Disney World and Disney Land confused. I am going to Disney World - the big one. The one in Florida!! Good thing for Shan. Heaven only knows where I would wind up if it weren't for her!!! Love ya girl - Dar

Darlene, you just got $600 from Social Security

What are you goina' do now? I'm going to Disney Land! Went to the Social Security office today and since I am 60 and Jerry is deceased I can collect on his Social Security. So - starting in June I will get $600 every third Wednesday of the month. Prayers are answered - thank you Shan. You have no idea how much this means to me. It will make my life just a little easier and give me some breathing room. Oh, and I really am going to Disney Land. We leave the morning of the 4th of July and come back on the 9th. Shan got us a good deal. I know I should not take the money and go, but I think after the year I have had I need something for Darlene and this is it!!!! It is GREAT to have something to look forward to.

There may be a sliver lining

After doing some checking it turns out, since I am now 60, I may be eligible for widow benefits under Social Security. Naturally when I talked to them this morning I was assured this could all be done online. When I went looking for the forms to complete online I could not find them. So another call to Social Security, talked to another person, of course, and was told no this has to be done at the office in person. So...off I go tomorrow to Texarkana and see what happens. I did manage to get a list of the things I need to take with me so I will stop by the bank and get what I need from the safety deposit box. Keep good thoughts. On another line I made a 98 on a big CNA test and made a 100 on my CPR-first aide class. Next week starts the big push. School every day from 8 to 3 and several clinical shifts at the local nursing home. Keep watching...more to follow!

Just when ya think

Just when I thought I was moving forward and making adjustments WHAM something comes along and knocks ya down. I got a letter today from OPM, they are the government agency that handles retirement payments. Since Jerry worked for the government I receive survivor benefits from his pension. However, now they are telling me because he did not sign some paper when he joined the service to have 7% of his pay deducted they are going to deducted it from my benefit check - $300 a month. I'm already having a hard time financially and now they are taking $300 a month from me. I'm taking CNA classes so I can get a second job to help get more income now I may have to get a third job. I know life is not fair, but come on...I need a break!

Memorial Day

Honestly never gave it much thought. Holiday from school and remembering all those that have fought and died for us. Until this year. This year has special meaning. Not that Jerry was fighting in Iraq - carrying a gun or anything, but he was there doing his part even if it was paper work. He was still in harms way and he died over there. So from now on Memorial Day will be very special to me. Thank you to all that given the up most possible - your lives! You are all heroes to me. I don't care if you fixed trucks, ran a supply line, served the food, or in Jerry's case did paper work. It was a sacrifice for your country and we love you. Jerry YOU are my biggest Hero of all!

A Break Through

For me this is a significant break through. Since Jerry died I have watched only one channel in my house FOX News. I never change the channel it just plays all day. Repeating the same thing over and over. That was okay with me. I didn't have to think or concentrate on anything. Just mindless noise and that was about all I could handle. Well tonight - and I don't know why - I began watching all the Grey's Anatomy episodes I had recorded. I wound up watching them all. Just sat there for the entire evening watching episode after episode - don't ya love DVR!!??. Any way I think this is big for me. More than a year of nothing but FOX and tonight I watch all the Greys Anatomy shows I had recorded. I will talk with Carol about this, but I feel for me this is a changing moment. I think I am moving forward. I know I will have set backs - Carol told me to expect those - but I think just maybe...maybe I am turning a corner.

Finally a Break

School ended today, the 23rd., for the summer. YEA!!! I don't have to be at college for CNA classes until Wednesday of next week so I get a few days break. I need them and am grateful for them. Had a therapy session yesterday. It went well. I had received a package in the mail from the FBI (they had to do a criminal investigation on Jerry's death because of where it happened) anyway the last time I got a package from them I opened and what was inside set me back a good bit. So instead of opening this one I took it with me when I went to see Carol and asked her to open and decide if it was something she thought I could handle now. She looked at them and decided this was not the time. Maybe later. She did up my meds since I am having a tough time with the CNA classes bringing back a lot of memories and making it hard to sleep. Well, my Tyler is here - Dave and Shan went to Wal-Mart and Emily is at her friend Sara's, so I am going to hang out with him a while. He makes me happy and I love being with him!

Count Down

On the count down for the last day of school - Friday the 23rd. CNA goes until June 25th, but at least I'll only have that every day instead of that and working at the elementary school. Passed skills today in bed making, gloving, washing hands, and the Heimlich. Written test tomorrow. Got a lot of stuff crammed in this old brain of mine. Emily graduated from kindergarten today and got an award for physical fitness. Very cool. I hate that I missed her graduation because I was in CNA class. But I got there in time to see her get her award so that was great. I was reading my friend chell's blog about her working in a nursing home. Makes me think twice about doing that. I may try to get a job in a regular hospital as a CNA instead of a nursing home. She seems to love it though. It was her comment of having to be a work at 3:00 a.m. that got me. I didn't know there was a 3:00a.m.(lol). I'm doing a little better today. A little antsy so I called and talked to my sister and my brother. That always helps me. I'm trying to stay away from the "what ifs" and just concentrate on the "what is". Only problem is sometimes the "what is" is worse than the "what if". As ol' Blue Eyes (that's Frank Sinatra to you young people) used to sing "That's Life" So keep good thoughts and fingers crossed for my test tomorrow.

Happy Birthday, Jerry

Today is Jerry's birthday. He would be 63. These are the especially hard days. There are no words to convey how much I miss him and how sad I am he is not here. I hope that lady I talked with over the week end is right - it will get easier - not better, but easier cause it sure is not easy now! As we get older we all think about what it would be like to not have your spouse any more - let me tell you in all my thinking I never thought it would be this hard. That may sound crazy. I knew I would miss him and my life would not be the same, but it is so much more. Try to hang on to the days you have with your spouse because you never know what tomorrow brings. You can never say "I love you" too many times! I love you, Jer, and I miss you. Happy birthday!

Another first

Took my first CNA test today. 42 questions. I missed 3 - that's a 93 A. Dumb mistakes! Won't do that again. Did the things I always tell my kids NOT to do when they take a test. The more I get into the program and the more things I hear the more memories I have. I lay down at night and start to think about class which leads me to thinking about my mom and that leads to thinking about my dad and how he died as a result of the auto accident which leads me to thinking about his funeral which leads me to thinking about Jerry's funeral and how much I miss him. How do you turn your mind off when this happens? I try to make myself think of something else or even get up and do something to get my mind going in a different direction, but when I go to lay down again it starts all over. I sure hope this is temporary and will go away when the class is not so new.

Busy Week end

Went to Brian and Carla's on Thursday night. Helped with the "estate sale" until about 10 this morning. Boy, does that girl work hard. Whenever I go to Hot Springs to see them they NEVER let me pay for anything. No buying dinner or lunch or anything else for that matter including shoes if I see a pair I like and would like to have. So at the end of my "working" to help out with the sale Carla tried to pay me $200.00 for helping. I left it behind. As I explained to Brian on the phone after I had gotten home. I really appreciate all they do for me when I am there. And not having to worry about paying to eat out when I'm there - and we eat out a lot when I'm there is such a relief that if I can pay them back with a little physical labor that is swell! It was great to get away. Back to reality now though - big test for my CNA class tomorrow so I have been studying since I got home. Met some women who are also recently widowed and it was nice to talk to them. Some longer than me and it was nice to hear from them that it does get - not better - but some what easier to deal with as time goes on. So there is hope for me. So it's shower time and then one more hit at the books before bed. It was a nice week end. Thanks Carla and Brian. I love you all. PS. Happy Anniversary Dave and Shan - today the 18th. happy anniversary Brian and Carla the 19th and Happy Birthday to my Jerry on the 20th. I miss and love you as much as ever!

Off for the weekend

Second day of school today. It went well. Test Monday, Tuesday and Thursday of next week. That's a lot of testing in one week. Now I know how my kids feel during the Benchmark! Taking the week end off and heading to Hot Springs. Carla, (my daughter-in-law married to my son, Brian) does estate sales and I am going to help her out with the one she has this week end. I have great kids - David the oldest and Brian are the best and both of them have great wives. They all do so much for me any way I can help them I like to try and do. Shortly after Jerry died I had major surgery and my kids refused to leave me alone in the hospital. Sleeping on the most uncomfortable pull out chair you can imagine - and not for just one hospital stay, but for all the ones after the surgery when I had the complications. Then once I was home they stayed with me at the house. When I got to feeling better, but feeling especially lonely or sad I would go to Dave and Shan's or Brian and Carla's and spend the night Sometimes you just don't want to be alone at night or wake up alone in the morning. It is so nice to have them so near (especially Dave and Shan since they live about 50 feet from me.) Stay tuned for how the week end goes!

Another first

Well, I have had so many "firsts" to go through this year since Jerry died. Today was a different kind of first. My first day in college. It was just an orientation day. Getting introduced to other classmates and getting an over view of the class and what to expect. I have to read 3 chapters for tomorrow - another first - haven't had to do that kind of thing since high school! There is another lady in class that is recently widowed and about my age so there is someone I have something in common with. Most of you know Jerry went through a medical tech class in Pittsburgh, much more involved than what I am doing, so I really could use his help now. I am, however, using the stethoscope I bought him when he graduated from his class so that is kinda cool. It's like a part of him goes to class with me every day - besides the part I carry in my heart - as my Emily says.

A little freaked out

First, thank you David for your comments and hints. They really help. I am a little freaked out today since I will be starting my CNA classes tomorrow. Not knowing what to expect and all. I probably would not be doing this if Jerry were still alive, but I can't help wishing he were here to see this. He would be so proud! These are the especially tough times. When there is something I want so badly to share with him and can't. The last one was when Shan passed her National Teaching Certification. I ran to the room to e-mail him and then remembered I couldn't. That was just devastating. I know there more of those things as I sit here typing this with the tears running down my face missing him so much. Sometimes I think one of the things that hurts the most is knowing all the things he is missing. Tyler's first home run. Emily's first T-Ball game of the year. Her graduation from kindergarten. I want so much to share these with him and joy they bring. When we talked about moving here that was one of the things we talked about most. Being here to see all the things the grandkids do and I HATE that he is not here to enjoy them with me. I love you, Jerry.

Mother's Day

Now you wouldn't think Mother's Day would be a difficult day for me, but it has been. Not as bad as some, but more than I expected. I am really looking forward to getting feedback. Some of you I know personally and just never have the chance to talk with - some of you I will not know and so your ideas will add to my collection of thoughts, suggestions, and helpful hints. Please pass this blog site onto people you may know and I don't so I can get input from them too. Thanks!

A year in review

My intent is to help myself and maybe others in dealing with the loss of a loved one, especially a spouse, but not limited to that. My husband died April 28, 2007 while working as a contractor in Iraq. His death was sudden and unexpected. Heart attack according to the autopsy. April 28, 2007 - the day my world was changed forever. You are never the same after a loss, especially a loss of a spouse. I know people want you to go back to being the person you were before the death, but that is impossible. You are not, and never will be that person again. If there is one thing I really want people to understand it is that - You are not the same!!
June 12th of that year I had major surgery which was followed by many setbacks. It all piled up on me until finally my mind was a damaged as my body and I knew I needed professional help. It has made a huge difference for me. She was the one that told me I would never be the same person I was before my husband died and that it was impossible to go back and be that person again. I experienced a catastrophic event and no one can be the same after experiencing an event like that. I need help explaining to people that I can not be the same person again. I wish I could, but I have no control over that. This is not a choice I am making - it just is! I came to understand how my grief for my husband had been interrupted by the surgery and was replaced by the grief for the loss of a body part. No two people grieve in the same way so there is no right or wrong way - there is just the way YOU grieve. I have come to realize that people that have not experienced the loss of a spouse really don't comprehend the impact. I know I never did until it happened to me. I am still in therapy and probably will be for a while. It is helping me cope and helping understand why people act the way they do around me and how to handle that. I will add more to this as time goes on. One thing I will tell you now - keeping a journal helps. I try to write in mine several times a week. I would love to hear from others about what they have experienced, what helped them, what didn't help them. Thank you in advance for sharing.